I DO....WAIT, WHO ARE YOU?

I saw a headline on CNN’s website the other day that said, “The Bachelor: why are you still watching?” All I can say to that is TOO right, and more importantly, who the heck IS watching I’d like to know?? Go on fess up, don’t be shy, we all have our guilty pleasures. Yes, I’m woman enough to say that I watch ‘Murder She Wrote.’ That Angela Lansbury is a murder-solving firecracker.

I can (sheepishly) admit that I have watched one season of The Bachelor...or wait a minute, I think it was Bachelorette (is there really a difference??) It was however years ago – yes I’m justifying myself. But to be frank, I don’t think it was the show that held me captive, but instead my father’s running commentary that was so highly amusing. It was the season with Krista and Ryan and every week myself and two of my sisters would go up to my Dad’s house and watch it with him over dinner. I have no idea how this routine started, as it was very unlike us to watch a TV show en masse, but hey, it was some of the most humorous evenings of that year. Every time Ryan would whip out another one of his flowery – and horrifyingly bad - poems my father would almost choke on his dinner and the onslaught of words and laughter would begin. And yet, to our shock, Trista ended up picking him – I'm thinking it was the whole fireman thing, I men let's be honest, a man could be dumb as rocks, but if he's in that uniform holding a big hose (sorry mom, I had to), lookOUT – and is one of the only couples from that show that is still together, not to mention married with kids.

In fact, of the 14 bachelors and bachelorettes that have been on the show, only four couples are still together and two have gotten married. Which, considering the asinine premise of this show, I find quite impressive. I mean the he sheer notion of meeting one’s life partner on TV – or partner for four to six weeks TOPS -  in front of millions gives me the creeps. It’s like some sick stud farm where all the mares are circling a seriously below average stallion – I mean seriously, if you’re going on a show like this and having your women picked out for you, I’m thinking you have some serious issues. And on that subject, the women always behave like they haven’t seen a man in 100 years, like the chosen ‘bachelor’ – who always lives off the beaten track in Wisconsin or something along those lines - is suddenly the dream god of all men, and they barely even know him. How about why is this idiot still single in his mid to late thirties, and do you really want to relocate to a town where you need a snow shovel?

More importantly, none of these women/men seem to have a problem with the fact that the man or woman they’re trying to get a rose from is shoving his tongue down other people’s throats. I think that would be my first problem, but hey, I guess I'm more traditional than I thought....“So, how did you two meet?” “Oh well it was so romantic – we were watched by 8 million people as we humiliated ourselves, and after two weeks of really intense ten minute supervised dates, and make out sessions with other chicks, he deemed me worthy enough to propose. I just found out he has two brothers and likes tacos. Who knew? Oh, did I mention we’re registered at Macys??”

My favorite is how the winning couple is then paraded about to all the talk shows and news programs - cause this is important shit people - and they hold hands and act all sincere and in love and say they knew from the very beginning that so and so was their soulmate - despite the other chick that could've also could've been the soulmate, but her family wasn't up to scratch and she dressed like a two dollar hooker. And then of course everyone is so shocked when the couple splits up two weeks later. They shout how they saw it coming, or he/she picked the wrong person etc. Um, YEAH, people, get a grip. How about the people picked the wrong venue to meet someone – try a bar, a supermarket, hell an AA meeting, at least it’s anonymous!