Wednesday 2 February 2011


I was watching one of those red carpet pre-award show things the other night. In my defense I only watch to see who wears the most hideous dress and who says the most embarrassing thing on air - and trust me, it never disappoints. One thing I always find myself wondering is what celebrities talk to each other about when they’re on the red carpet. I’m talking about the celeb couples that walk down together in a show of beaming happiness, clutching to one another like life preservers. They do this walking in tandem thing, turn, wave simultaneously like robots, then whisper in each other’s ears and let out a huge guffaw, as if their partner just told them the funniest thing in the world. 

Pretty much every couple does this, as if to say, 'do you see pedestrian public how much fun we’re having? Don’t you want to be us, don’t you? Because not only are we rich and famous, but we get along tremendously well.' I may be a cynic, in fact, I know I am, but I trust this genuine show of affection about as far as they trust their faces to hold up under the scrutiny of age. Seriously how much botox is out in the universe? Or shall I say, how much of it is in Nicole Kidman’s forehead? You could seriously ice skate on that thing.

So here is what I think these couples are really saying, and it’s not ‘you look beautiful tonight sweetheart,’ cause they would have gotten that boring preamble over with in the limo on the way to ceremony. Along with, ‘if you leave me sitting next to that drunk lush one more time, I’m going to divorce you,’ and the clichéd, ‘if I see that talentless two bit hussy you hit on last time, I’m going to stab her with a butter knife.’ [My version of Hollywood is cut throat and violent like a Tarantino film. It’s so much more entertaining that way].

So, option one of what is being whispered amongst the couples: “You’re stepping on my dress a**hole, I have to give it back by tomorrow. Although, I’m famous, to h*ll them, I’m keeping it.” Or, “I'm going to nibble on your neck now; just throw your head back and act like you enjoy it, even though we know I like men.” Or there is always the statement that would illicit laughs from just about anyone, “oh my god we’re so rich, we’re so rich, look at all those poor people waving at us, aren’t they adorable?!”

Then again, some couples could simply be delighted at the fact that the public is buying what they’re selling - or so they think, cause some of us are on to them! Perhaps these couples are simply tickled pink that the fans that have turned up and stand in those awful bleachers, sweating under the California sun, truly believe that they are what they say they are: they love their husbands (and are not sleeping with their castmates), they naturally look the way they do (um, I don’t think so) and that they eat hostess pies on the way to the auditorium and then shoehorn themselves into those dresses....I’m betting that the entire red carpet hasn’t eaten since the last awards show.

Then again, perhaps I'm jaded and cynical and Brad just told Angie one of the funniest knock knock jokes she's ever heard. It's possible, but highly unlikely.

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