Friday 20 March 2015


A Lithuanian designer named Robert Kalinkin is trying to bring a new type of denim jeans to market with the help of good ol’ Kickstarter (a forum I know that has good intentions, but wow, really, we’re opening up the floodgates to the fray to fund any old idea that pops into one’s head? That can’t be a good idea) – because that’s what we need on this planet, more denim. What sets these jeans apart, or shall I call them their proper given name, ‘play pants,’ (his coining of phrase, NOT mine) is that their pockets have dual functionality. One: to serve as a pocket to hold your things (or your husband’s. seriously, get a man bag already) and two: to grant yourself easy access to your private parts.

Yes, you read that right. Apparently this (ahem) designer, saw a gap in the market and jumped right into the crevice (I couldn’t resist) with these very, necessary trousers (yes that is sarcasm). According to the designer, these jeans are not only made of the finest denim and meant to be literally indestructible (which begs the question, when man is extinct, is the earth going to be littered with pairs of play pants?) but these play pants have a plethora of uses, according to the designer. Say um, you have an itch, and voila, in your pocket you go (and see a doctor while you’re at it); a lonely night at the movies? Yeeehah, it’s now a party in your pants (um, again, you  may want to see a doctor); a…and I quote cause this one is just too good, ‘boring corporate meeting.’ Cause yeah, nothing gets me more jazzed up then a boring meeting at the office. Look out boss man, my hand is taking a groin dive! And his final cherry on the Sunday (yes, I suppose that could be a double entendre), play pants just may be the answer to a boring love life; what's more exciting than a zippy little pair of jeans to spice up things in the boudoir.

Dear god, is this what fashion (and the human mind) has come to? What is even better claims the designer is that these pockets can be unzipped with one hand; because who doesn’t want easy access on that long road trip without having to take both hands off the steering wheel. "I'm sorry I was swerving officer, but these new jeans of mine, well, they just beckon naughty behaviour."  Listen, I don’t have a problem with people thinking outside of the box, and I’m sure my husband would beg me to get a pair when they hit the market just to prove we’re young, wild and well, not boring (we’re not honey, don’t worry). But to be frank, despite their apparent functionality, the play pants are just…well, ugly.

Now, a pair of jeans that makes my ass three sizes smaller, sit up to attention and tells passer by's to bugger off when they're gawking and my new and improved backside, now you’re talking. Get on that, will you design industry.

Copyright © 2014 Anthea Anka - Delighted And Disturbed