YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, BABY
There are preposterous
stories and then there are stories that are so absurd you truly fear for the
future of our human race and question our so-called intelligence. [Without even
telling you the story, isn’t it amazing how many situations could fit this
bill?]One day ago in Lahore, Pakistan, a nine-month-old baby (Above. The photo literally makes me want to hurt the man in the suit) was fingerprinted
and booked on an attempted murder charge. Yes, YOU HEARD ME. I know you’re
trying to figure this one out, but trust me, the circumstances are damn near
impossible to comprehend. No, this baby did not try to kill someone by crying incessantly or
accidentally choke someone with its dummy (i.e. pacifier). In the infinite
wisdom of the police force of Lahore, they decide to book this child purely due to its genetic make-up.
As the story goes, several
police and a bailiff officer went to a family's home over an unpaid Gas bill –
they clearly have a lot of time on their hands over in Lahore if they’re going
to people’s houses for an unpaid bill. When the police arrived, an altercation
broke out between the authorities and the family, and the father (of the
infant) and his teenage son threw bricks at the police. I’m gathering that at the time of the incident in question, the
nine-month-old was sleeping or drooling or sucking on its foot, and was NOT sitting at the
window firing pellets at the officers with its baby boomerang.
After this altercation,
the police of course, being diligent officers of the law, arrested everyone in
the house including the baby. Because babies are so darn threatening. [I can’t tell you how many times the King scared me into submission
at that age]. The baby was then brought into the police station and
fingerprinted, crying throughout the entire process (I’m thinking because it knew
how much that fingerprint ink was going to stain its onesie]. Understandably the
family was irate and hired themselves a lawyer, not only to fight
the charge but to state how wrong and unjust it is to files charges against an
innocent baby (if the baby was guilty then by all means, throw the book at it;
and I assure you, if it has the strength the King had at that age, it will
throw the book right back).
Following the media
coverage of the situation and the police's grand move of stupidity, Punjab Chief Minister Shahbaz Sharif ordered the police to immediately
suspend a Pakistani official for registering the case against the baby boy. Ah,
okay, I get it, order the police to suspend someone else for doing what they
carried out. They were just following orders after all, and clearly do not have the ability to do anything but.
I warned you that this story was as absurd as it gets, and I suppose I
haven’t done much today to put your faith in the authorities (my bad). My best advice,
if you find yourself in Lahore any time soon, keep those bricks away from your
babies. You could find your sweet little bundle of joy sharing a cell with an
infamous Pakistani bank robber and swapping tales about their criminal pasts. Stranger
things could happen.