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Thursday 31 January 2013

YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN, OR YOU SHOULDN'T


There’s an expression that says you can’t go home again. Recently I learned there may in fact be some truth to this…. then again, there’s also an expression that says ‘home is where the heart is,’ or ‘where you hang your hat;’ It’s amazing how many expressions there are to totally confuse us. 

Anyway, in the spirit of returning to one’s home, I recently went back to the town I grew up in. Every time I visit there, I am always tempted to see my old house, the one I lived in from the age of five up until I went to university. In past visits this was never possible as the house sits behind a gate and is recessed from the road. So all I could do is drive by and reminisce about the various memories I had surrounding that period of my life – and oh were there many.

This time however I was with my friend - who clearly had her balls on that day, more than me anyway - and when we drove by the house she suggested that we ring the gate and see if we could go inside. I looked at her like she was nuts, and before I could give her any reason not to – like the fact that the house could’ve been owned by a notorious slave trader and we could be swept up into his human trafficking scheme (I watch WAY too much TV) – she pushed the buzzer and a man came on the speaker. He spoke only Spanish and we proceeded to have a one-way conversation with him that entailed us repeating my name a lot, the word house, followed by please. I’m not sure why we didn’t throw in a 'por favor,' but whatever we did say worked cause suddenly the gate opened and we were in.

The second we drove up the driveway I knew that things had changed a bit since we had lived there. Okay, a large bit, starting with the slightly ominous religious icons dotted all along the driveway. Listen, I’m all for beautiful religious artifacts and imagery, but these crosses and statues looked like something out of Deliverance; one cross specifically looked as if it had just been nailed together out of two pieces of driftwood and slung up there for our arrival (us agnostics are always convinced people are trying to convert us). Coupled with the fact that the driveway was falling to pieces, my friend and I exchanged a look as if to say, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

As we approached the house, unfortunately the situation got a whole lot worse. I have two words for you to describe what we saw: Grey Gardens. If you’re not familiar with the story look it up, it's a doozy. To say the place had fallen into disrepair is an understatement. Things were falling down, torn apart, stained, broken, etc. not to mention the pool was covered in dark green algae, and the front lawn resembled an episode of hoarders. To the point that when we pulled up to the house itself, every fiber in my body was simply screaming run! Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the owner, who I believe has 30 cats, is utterly delightful, she’s just clearly not big on upkeep. 

I managed to reminisce a bit - albeit quickly - as I looked around and shared a few memories with my friend (mainly where I liked to hide around the property and smoke cigarettes when I was a wayward teen – bad bad cigarettes. I’m reformed now) and then after a brief inhalation (no pun intended) while we took in the view, we both decided that putting the pedal to the metal was a good idea. Let’s just say, the outside of the house was enough of reality for me, I think seeing what the 30 litter boxes had done to the inside of the house would’ve killed me.

So the moral, or my moral anyway, perhaps you can’t go home again, or more to the point, perhaps you shouldn’t. That way, memories stay memories, and you can revel in them and cherish them and the best part, not have them tainted by reality…or poor housekeeping skills. 




Monday 28 January 2013

HAPPY FEET


I recently went back to my hometown to visit two of my closest friends. During this visit it happened to be one of their birthdays. And as you do, another friend and I wanted to take her out and do something fun to mark the occasion. I’ve always thought that birthdays are the perfect chance to do something life affirming or downright odd just to solidify that you made it another year. We decided to go to lunch (mundane, yes, but gals got to eat) as well as try this new massage place to get our feet rubbed – okay it sounds strange when I write that, but let’s be honest, who doesn’t love their feet being rubbed and I don’t know about you, but my husband has a clause in our marriage vows that his hands will never be touching my feet. [It’s a phobia or some such nonsense].

Anyway, the place was called Happy Feet, or Happy Finish, or Happy You’re Being Rubbed By Someone Cause Your Husband Ain’t Going To Do It. Now I must preface this by saying that my friend whose birthday it was has OCD (not a flagrant use of the term either. She’s committed to the cause). She will happily admit to this so I’m not telling tales out of school or laughing at her expense. But throughout our lives certain experiences have been that much funnier because of her phobias and her deft navigation of our germ filled world. So when we entered the Happy Foot Palace it was done so with a nervous anticipation and slight giggle on all our parts; on first blush it all looked pretty standard (my friend of course was examining it with her laser germ-detection vision that can spot violators at ten paces). There was a little Asian vibe going on, big red massage chairs, Chinese lanterns, and large salad bowl looking things to wash your feet in (which I know she was thinking how thoroughly do they clean them in between foot washings).

The room was empty, the mystery heightened by a large grey curtain dividing the space, as we all nervously called out, wondering if Masseur Oz was going to step out and reveal himself. In a few moments, a man I can only describe as an Asian Liberace made an appearance and greeted us with a large smile and little to no command of the English language. He was holding his hands out as if he didn’t want to touch anything and they clearly had some oil or lotion on them; which hey, it’s a massage place, not so strange. But I could see my friend’s eyes go straight to his hands and her face was clearly thinking, ‘don’t even think about coming over here and shaking my hand or touching anything on my person.’ Due to the language barrier, Liberace did his best to communicate that we should come back by moving the hands on the clock to the desired time he wanted us back (and of course I was two hours off the rest of the day because of Liberace's loose interpretation with time keeping). 

Anyway, upon our return, Liberace put us in these three large massage chairs and covered us with towels and blankets and the like, which of course made my (OCD) friend blanche as he tried to take this mingy towel and enshroud her like a mummy. My other friend who is very tall was given this pink little fuzzy number to put her over her (or part of her anyway), and we all then waited for the event to begin, each of us starting to giggle nervously in anticipation…or fear really. So Liberace and a woman (also Asian) took their places by my side and that of my tall friend (yes, she has a name, but let’s just call her Tall Friend, shall we) and started to approach our heads with their hands clapped together like Miyagi in Karate Kid, rubbing them as if to say, we’re about to begin so you people better get ready.

Meanwhile, this guy, that I can only describe as Cliff from Cheers walked in wearing a pair of Wrangler jeans, a pager clipped to his belt loop, and a groovy mullet/quif hair thing going on in the back of his head. When he repositioned one of the Chinese lanterns and started talking in a loud enthusiastic voice about this and that (he was one of those people that talked a lot and loudly but you couldn’t quite figure out what he was talking about) I simply assumed he was the handyman. I realize this was a judgment on my part simply because he wasn’t in keeping with the whole Asian vibe, but in our defense, he did stick out like a sore thumb. Anyway, it soon became apparent that he was the masseur of my OCD friend, which for some reason I found highly hysterical, and caused me to burst out laughing. She, now covered like a burn patient, was also laughing as Cliff was talking up a storm and using phrases like, ‘this lotion is the potion, I mean the real stuff!’ which, well, was slightly disconcerting and simultaneously hysterical.

So knowing her the way I do, as Cliff lubed up his hands with this special lotion I saw her eyes bug as he lunged for her face and cupped her cheeks like an octopus and then proceeded to rub this mystery lotion into her face and hair leaving her to look a tad greasy. She doesn’t do greasy. In her graceful (yet hysterical way due to laughter) she made it apparent that she was not the 'face to be rubbed by strangers' kind of girl. My other friend meanwhile was also trying to find off her man from touching her face (for other reasons that aren’t important to this blog) so you heard the two of them protesting in between fits of laughter, ‘No no, it’s feet, we’re here for feet. We’re good with feet, just feet!’ I of course, being a jetlagged puddle of ambiguity gave my woman permission to rub my face, head, etc. Hell she could rub my brain if she could figure out how to get to it. When I have jetlag I’m incredibly amenable.

They then covered our eyes with towels – to which my friend let out a little squeal as some foreign washcloth on her face is (again) not her idea of fun - and they set to work. I of course lifted my towel so I could see, as half my amusement was coming from watching my friend’s reactions as Cliff grabbed her feet muttering happily under his breath. Needless to say, the brunt of the massage was pretty damn good and we suddenly found ourselves all drifting off into a state of mind numbing silence. Until of course my lady and Liberace moved onto the technique of lifting our leg, bending our knee into our body and giving our thigh/ass area a strong WHACK. Trust me, when you’re not expecting this, you can jump a few feet. My woman also had very long nails of which she would dig into my toes with a disconcerting vehemence, causing me of course to let out a little YELP. To which then Liberace would say to her under his breath, ‘Softer! Softer!’ I got the feeling this was not the first time her nails were an occupational hazard.

By the time we wrapped up, we were in such a fogged state that my tall friend looking for the price of the treatment ripped a placard out of the window display (accidentally of course) and caused me to burst into hysterics again. This of course prompted Cliff to turn to me and say, ‘Keep laughing, Sunshine. It’s mighty good for you.’

You see that, you never know when you’re going to stumble across Yoda (aka Cliff) in a massage parlour to remind you what’s important in life.

HAPPY MONDAY ALL. 



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