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Thursday 7 June 2012

DR. SLEEPGOOD


I saw a billboard off the freeway the other day (I’m in Yankland now, freeway is replacing motorway) that advertised a dentist in which you sleep through the appointment – the actual appointment, not a nap in the waiting room as per usual. I believe he refereed to himself as the Dream Dentist and advertised that with no shots or sedatives, you would sleep through the appointment; cause well, who doesn’t hate the dentist.

I’m not sure what exactly this dentist gives his patients to sleep, be it enough laughing gas to kill a cow or three bottles of Jack Daniels, but there was something disconcerting about a medical professional advertising to put his patients to sleep. When it comes to going to the dentist, I kind of want to know what the he is getting up to with his enamel slicing drills and keep an eye on any weird teeth extracting fetishes he may have. Yes, I've seen far too many movies and have a very active imagination - are you just figuring this out now?

However, saying this, the offer of sleep to avoid any undue stress or discomfort sounds mighty attractive and for most of us out there, I’m gathering the avoidance of pain is right up there on the wish list. Labor for example, epidural, epishmural…just knock my ass out next time (there will be no next time!) and tell me what sex my bouncy baby bundle is when I come to. Thirty two hours of labor did not do anything to me except exhaust the hell out of me and make me think I was wearing one of the Queen's guards hats - don't ask.

This billboard also made me think about all the things one would elect to sleep through if at all possible. Airline travel tops the list for sure (I can’t sleep on planes, so in this case, I would definitely need a doctor standing by with a bottle of Propofol), followed closely by bumper to bumper traffic – this one is tricky as you would need someone else to drive the car – a barium enema, a toddler’s early years…I kid I kid.

I think for many, the list of things one would like to sleep through would be atrociously long – and let’s be honest, there are many things we sleep through anyway (piano recitals, opera, bad first dates). This of course is a slightly cynical statement on the daily vicissitudes of life, but let’s be honest, being awake to do the laundry and grocery shopping just seems cruel and pointless. Why not save the waking hours for the good stuff, the vacations, the first steps your child takes, a sunset…who needs to really be alert and proactive at the post office when the line is going to rob you of hours of your life.

Happy Hump Day.




Tuesday 5 June 2012

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE


Well the King and I have returned to the States (with my husband of course, we cannot forget about him. Death do us part, and all that), and we have happily entered my father’s wonderfully crazy kingdom that this year we have deemed the zoo. Before I start to describe the ins and outs of our surroundings (for sh*ts and giggles you can check out last summer’s description of our visit: http://www.antheaanka.com/2011_07_03_archive.html), I would be remiss in discussing how it was to get here.

As I have discussed many many times traveling with young children is like entering battle. A bloody, exhaustive, challenging mine-field ladened battle that is not for the weak. No, I do not exaggerate. Between navigating the airport where the King is now keen to climb on the baggage scales and weigh himself and run through the crowds like a lightning rod with his hair on fire, we certainly had our work cut out for us.

This time the King's energy was inspired by something altogether frightening. I’m not sure if it was a testorene surge or if he had developed an sugar habit while I wasn’t looking, but he was bursting with an energy that was turning our hair white. By the time we got to the gate to board the plane, we were both sweating, fatigued, wrinkled and weathered, and we still had a ten hour flight in front of us. The omen for the flight to come was when the King decided to wedge himself in between a vending machine and the wall, getting his head stuck in the process and letting out a serious of dolphin like noises that made the entire waiting area look over and gasp. Of course all my husband and I could do was nervously laugh – it sounds cruel, but nervous laughter is sometimes the only route one can take.

Needless to say the flight over involved my husband and I looking at each other hour after hour muttering with fear in our eyes, ‘do you think he looks tired? Why doesn’t he look tired?’ Whilst it was five hours past his bedtime, the King had no intention of sleeping and was certain to let the whole cabin know it.

Alas, we landed, made it to my father's house, dragged ourselves through the front door, and quickly realised that we had entered a zoo like arena. In addition to my energetic and forever youthful father, there are now birds (seven of them I think), gekko’s, snakes, turtles, dogs, and some lizard thing that I’m not sure exactly what it is - I was also informed there are rattlesnakes that I have to look out for, but those aren't pets thank god. 

One of the dog’s is clearly not into people, the other one couldn’t be more so, and the last dog has a gas problem of the likes that I have encountered and keeps provoking me to check the King’s diaper and book him an appointment with an gastro interologist, only to realize I should take the dog instead. So, needless to say, there is a lot of action going on and the King is revelling in every inch of it. 

Anyway, I'm off to make sure the King hasn't thrown the basketball in the turtle's cage or tried to take the snake out for a walk in his new suitcase he likes to pull around the house. Never a dull day even on this side of the world.

Happy Tuesday.


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