Friday 13 January 2012

SO LONG TWINKIE

Hostess, the company we can hold responsible for churning out such culinary gems as the Twinkie and Wonder Bread is apparently about to go bust, or has filed chapter eleven. Which these days doesn’t mean much – just look to Wall Street to see how companies who have lost billions can still stay in operation. [Oh yes, that’s right, because we bail them out…sorry, I digress].

It’s hard to imagine that such a thing like the Twinkie has survived all these years – since 1930 to be exact (not sure if the Twinkie was rocking its bad self in the 30’s, but Hostess came to be during that time). Then again, considering the ingredients of a Twinkie are still a mystery, perhaps it’s not so surprising that something with the shelf life of a rock can stick around for this long.

I can readily admit that when I was young I used to eat my fair share of crap like the aforementioned Twinkie. It was usually when I went to friends’ houses when I would ingest such things as the Hostess apple pie or ding dongs – as my European mother wasn’t sure what the hell to make of a Twinkie and its culinary cousins – and I would happily ignore the thought of what I was eating, because at the time it tasted good and back then I was putting a lot worse things in my body. Screw it if I can’t identify what they put into this oval cream-filled toxic artery clogger, I wanted it anyway, and why not wash it down with a cigarette and coffee.

Now that I’m older – and hopefully wiser and much more conscious of what I put in my face – it’s hard to imagine that as a society we are still churning out things that have no place in our bodies let alone in the universe. When you think about the food we eat one can (and should) become very alarmed at what we consume, not to mention, the liberties the food industry has taken in order to appear enticing and progressive. And of course by progressive I mean, intent to create pseudo food that creates unhealthy addicts of the masses.

In my opinion, the most scary thing our society has done to food is that we have created things that do not exist in nature, i.e. there is a billion dollar industry centered on food that is not really food (soda, McDonalds, ahem, Twinkies…the list is so long it’s painful). Not to mention, the food industry has gone as far as creating food that tastes like other things without having to be the thing itself. Confusing isn’t it? Meatless ‘meat’ that tastes like meat (never understood this one), potato chips that have the essence of chicken, beef or even curry (ewwww), crackers that taste like cookies, cereal that has more candy and chocolate in it than the candy aisle. You get the picture. Long gone are the days when the potato chip was just made with potatoes. Nowadays it's got everything but a potato in the actual chip.

Whatever happened to things just tasting like the things they should taste like? Or furthermore, what has happened to actual real food? Food that when you read the ingredients it does not read like some perverse science experiment? When I took the King to the hospital awhile back and he projectile vomited peas and corn everywhere, the thing that shocked me the most (you’d think it was the vomit, wouldn’t you) was the nurses' pleased reaction that I was feeding my son vegetables. What the hell else am I supposed to be feeding him, Twinkies?

Do I blame our society’s consumption of crap on the Hostess organization? Well, not entirely. Our problems are much more complex than just one company - but they shouldn't be so proud of their legacy, let's put it that way. Am I sad the Twinkie is dead? Not really. Although, saying this, I wouldn’t be surprised if that pernicious sponge cake outlives us all.

Monday 9 January 2012

I GOT YOUR FUNNY

I read an article at the end of last year – doesn’t that sound so odd already? – touting that it was the year of the woman in respect to comedy. I think the headline was something to the effect of ‘funny women rule.’ It was essentially stating how comedic women ruled at the box office to everyone’s utter shock, especially when a lot of the films they were appearing in were risky in nature. I must stress that the risk was due to the fact that women were headlining the film, not the actual subject matter of the film itself.

Yes in this day and age, it apparently is still an absolute shock to those that run Hollywood – men, that is; another problem to be eradicated – that women can be funny and that the audience (not male driven. Seriously, do the math on that one) can actually appreciate a woman being funny. Sorry, I’m going to have a very ineloquent moment here, but doesn’t that just make you want to puke?

Suddenly the female comedy is en vogue because hark, women can crack jokes, be outrageously clever and pull in an audience just like a man. And, the real kicker, they don’t have to be in search of a man, or play the limited one-dimensional airhead or slutty best friend in order to be entertaining. Up until now, that is pretty much what women were limited to; Seriously, how many romantic comedies can one watch where the woman’s life is just soooo lacking because she hasn’t met the ‘perfect’ (there’s that word again) man, despite her incredible career - as a hooker...or a journalist that writes about men, love and all things romance cause she's clearly got a one track mind - and then voila, she stumbles over him (literally) in a bookstore, mayhem ensues, and she ends up chasing him to the airport declaring that she loves him while thirty people look on clapping. I feel more nausea coming on.

Coming from the perspective of a writer, I cannot tell you how maddening it is to be told that if I could just change the female characters in my script to men, the script would be so much more appealing and sellable (not that anything is sellable these days). I was even told once that women are just not as interesting as men. Yes, they actually said this to me, a woman. It took everything in my power not to pick up their trendy bottle of Kombucha mushroom, tree bark water (or whatever is in there) with a twist of de-aging growth hormone in it, off their desk and hurl it at them.

The other amazing fact of this article was like many other articles of its ilk, it happily pointed out that women in the entertainment field being funny is not a novelty; in fact, there are many female entertainers that paved the path for those now enjoying the spoils. Although Hollywood has severe amnesia and likes to pretend they came up with the ingenious idea of giving women a chance to strut their stuff. In fact, some of our greatest iconic comedians back in the day were women: Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball, Lily Tomlin, Roseanne Barr (love her or hate her, the woman broke the barrier with her TV show), Gilda Radner, Jane Curtin…the list is long. It was just that back then they were given the chance to prove they could keep up with the men. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure for them it was just as much of a battle to get there as is it is now.

Fundamentally does this irk my feminist sensibilities? For sure. I think it should for every woman. Do I think it’s gross that we are still shocked when a woman directs an action film or Oscar winning project? Yes. Do I think it’s pathetic that people are so in awe that a woman like Tina Fey is funny and can act, direct and produce a project, just like a man? But of course. Am I surprised male executives are only now figuring all this out (and will probably forget all of the above by next week) not at all.

For now, I will simply state the obvious for those of you slow to arrive at the party: women- funny. You’re damn right we are.

Sunday 8 January 2012

YOU'RE THE ONE. WAIT, WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

It was in the news this past week that a woman, Julia Cross, a PR consultant from London, who had vacationed in Ibiza with friends a few months back was in a mad quest to track down a man that she had kissed in a nightclub. Basically, she went out clubbing one night, met a guy that she shared a kiss with, and decided thereafter that he was the one, or at least had potential to be the one because of this very 'magical' moment that they shared. [Talk about having low expectations or lofty dreams of grandeur – I’m not sure which]. She then set herself on a course using her PR wiles and every available social networking site in hopes of tracking this man down to see if this one kiss meant something more. (Unless he chased you to the airport, I’m thinking the answer is no). Clearly this woman had a lot of time on her hands.

Apparently the story goes that the two of them shared a kiss as the sun came up – awwww, how adorable; I'm assuming they were also covered in foam – but lost contact because she mistakenly gave him the wrong phone number. [Either she just got a new phone and was not a whiz with numbers, or something deep in her gut told her that this mystery man should remain just that]. But of course she ignored her gut – as many women do– and used the information she did have, his name was Martin and he was a software developer from North London, and set her friends and colleagues on a hunt for this individual for months. On Facebook they even posted such headlines as ‘Please help us reunite Martin and Julia!’ like they were long lost lovers separated by a tumultuous war. The story even got caught fire in the international press, and everyone was hoping for a happy ending (seriously, are you people nuts? Or have you simply seen Pretty Woman far too many times. She was a hooker, alright, it's never going to happen!).

From where I come from this kind of behavior is defined as being a stalker. Sorry, I am just of the ilk that one kiss in a club does not maketh a relationship. The irony is, when Julia did finally find her mystery man, you guessed it, he had a girlfriend....a girlfriend I am thinking was none too pleased that he was kissing some other woman in a club in Ibiza. Martin finally came out of the woodwork the other day and revealed himself as a taken man dashing the dreams of poor, hopeful Julia (yes, that’s sarcasm people). He claims he and his girlfriend got back together after the holiday to Ibiza – and I have a very nice piece of beachfront property to sell you – but he was very flattered by Julia’s quest to find him. More succinctly, 'this chick is nuts, and yes I’m taken cause I have no plans to take this stalker out on a date.'

Okay, before you all lambaste me with protestations that I’m too jaded, I’m not so jaded that I don’t believe in one chance meetings where stars align and it feels like you’ve known this person forever. Yes, I’ve experienced it, but no, I’m not with any of those individuals where we shared a magical moment. That should tell you something. But from my experience, meeting a man when you’re drunk in a club in the middle of the biggest meat market in the world, and this said man’s Facebook page is rife with scantily clad women hanging off him like cheap suits, screams, I don’t know, that you’re barking up the wrong romantic tree.

But then again, what the hell do I know? I think that's how Prince William met his wife and look how good they turned out. :-)

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