Monday 26 March 2012


I thought I’d let the King write today’s blog. Seemed only fitting as he has some anger (sorry, my word not his) to work thru in regards to our downstairs neighbor who keeps banging on his ceiling with a broom and slipping angry letters through our post box.....Take it away little muffin.

Dear Large Man that is not remotely (whoooa, big word) as attractive as my father. He’s not even within the same racetrack…I love cars. Cars are great. Ball –cracker- bird-look over there, wow!--Sorry, my attention span isn’t too great. Anyway, my uber cool, hot, amazing mommy, tells me that you’ve been banging on your ceiling with a broomstick because you’re angry at the amount of noise I’m making during the day – cracker-car-bus-hungweee-no bath no no no….She says you do this a lot, and despite the fact that I’m just 20 months old and don’t know any better than to just have fun and make tons of noise, you don’t understand this cause well, you’re a…wait I know it starts with an M…(cracker, car, bus, bath biiiiiird), oh yeah, MORON. 

She also says that you complain even though I go to bed at 7:30 – no sleep- sleep bad-car-hot hot hot – and spend most of the day walking in the park looking for birds, cars, and construction sites. Dump trucks are so cool. She suggests that if you want silence, you should move to a shack in the middle of Siberia, but I’m not sure where that is. If they have big cars there I think you should go. Cars are the best….car-boat-bat-duck, frooooog!

She has explained to me that sometimes on this planet, people are just unreasonable – I overheard her saying that sometimes that applies to toddlers too. I think that means me….car-boat-truck-door-open, bwaaaaa baaaa baaa…She says you can’t reason with the unreasonable. She also said Mr. Neighbor Person that the fact that you are complaining about the noise is very ironic. [That’s a big word, that’s kind of hard to say..not like bird-car-or hot, hot HOOOT]. Especially because you and your girlfriend – that mommy calls Pushover (that’s a funny first name) – fight all the time in the middle of the night about your drinking and indiscretions with other women…I like women too. They’re so pretty, especially the ones who smile at me when I’m on the swings.

Mommy said to let you know that if you use the broom again to bang on the ceiling when I’m playing during the day – a perfect acceptable time to play she says as long as I don’t bang on the glass with my cars, she hates that - that I am allowed to in return bang my cars – truck, boat, car, hoooooot, battth – on the floor really loudly. Or with the pots from the kitchen. I LOVE doing that, (I hope you use the broom a lot). She also says that I can do this at 6 a.m. on a Sunday when you’re hungover from too much Gin you necked down at the pub (not sure if Gin is like Milk, but I love milk). My mommy is the coolest, isn’t she? Anyway, that’s pretty much it Mr. Neighbor Person. Oh, one last thing, I suppose I should tell you that if you think I’m noisy now, wait until my vocabulary increases and I walk around the house shouting BALL, BAT, WHY, DOG, NO, NO, NO, PIG, DUCK, CAUSE YOU SAID MOMMY (!!!) at the top of my lungs. I hope that’s as fun for you as your weekend trysts with your assistant. 

...Oh, and mommy also said that the pen is much mightier than the broomstick. Happy Monday everyone. Signed, the King.

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