Monday 27 February 2012


Oh GOD is this one going to write itself…Michelle Duggar – I know most of you are saying, who? I don’t blame you, so I shall happily give her the moniker, ‘crazy baby lady.’ She has birthed something like 46 kids (I’ve lost count) and has a reality show in the States. [Who doesn’t?] Anyway, she has come out (no, not that OUT; that would be a brilliant twist, though, wouldn’t it??) and decided to give the female population advice on how to be a good wife. Oh thank god, I am in desperate need of a refresher course, as my partner will happily tell you that I am slipping in my wifely duties….wait, I’m not married. Scratch that, I ROCK.

Anyway, let’s break this down slowly because Ms. Duggar has a lot to say on the topic (who has this much time to ruminate with so many kids?!). Firstly she proclaims, “A husband needs a wife who accepts him as a leader.” Haaa haaa, hoooo haaaa. Oh, she’s serious. Okay, I suppose my first question is leader of what? His own fantasy football league? But of course, you can have that entire kingdom babe; lead away you crafty male. Leader of eating sixteen cookies in one sitting whilst screaming at the television cause the wrong team scored – it’s all you champ. Leader of explaining the 911 conspiracy during a dinner party for the eighty-fifth time? You bet, I’ll just be in the corner sleeping. Or my favorite, letting him ‘lead’ me through massive crowds in public places (I hate crowds). But of course, my partner is half Polish; they are brilliant and getting to the front of any line without having to wait behind anyone. You see what a good follower I am?

Her second gem: “Husbands are commanded to govern their wives; God works through a man’s decisions — good or bad; Bad decisions reveal his needs and allow the wife to appeal and demonstrate Godly character.” You hear that honey, you are to govern me like some wayward rebel that needs suppressing (sorry, the amusement is just too much). So, let me get this straight. I am to be governed by a gender that can’t find it’s own mobile phone or house keys five days out of seven and puts diapers on backwards. Yeah, that sounds encouraging. As for those bad manly decisions that will reveal my godly character – I’m thinking my definition of godly character is different than Ms. Duggar's. You see, when my dear beloved makes bad decisions like, allowing the King to eat Hula Hoops (Don’t ask. All you need to know is humans shouldn’t be eating it), I do not resemble anything godly.

And my favorite piece of advice from Ms. Duggar to ensure marital bliss: "ask your husband to define your responsibilities and alert you when you have a resistant spirit" – according to my partner that would be once a month if not more. The thing is, if I were to take her advice and listen to this rubbish, here is what I imagine would be going down in our house: (I’ve actually just asked my partner if he could choose, what he would like my 'responsibilities' to be. He of course thinks it's a trick question and is so fearful that I’ve gone mad that he can’t even utter a word). We would have a forty foot television in every room and most likely a stripper’s pole in the living room; I would be perpetually rubbing my partner’s feet, temples and back, I would be dressed like a street walker even in winter, dance music would be pumping out of every speaker in the house, and the King and I would be watching my partner sleep in until two in the afternoon everyday and then demanding a home cooked Indian feast washed down with a pint of ice cream and forty five cookies.

So I suppose what I’m getting at is, bite me Ms. Duggar. These are modern times and this resistant spirit is thrilled that in our house, both my partner and I lead, and we both happily follow; we share responsibilities, and neither of us govern (oh but the King does, and govern he does with a mighty force). And to be perfectly frank, we like it that way. Although maybe a pole in the living room for my beloved's next birthday would be a nice gesture.

Happy Monday.
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