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Thursday 1 December 2011

PEE & PLAY


Do you ever hear of a news story that makes you think, wow, humanity is truly victim to its own stupidity and we are essentially doomed? Who am I kidding, that is almost every news-cycle. I just came across a story that made me want to run from my laptop screaming. Not because it is macabre or emotionally upsetting, but simply because I can’t believe it has come to this.

A company in England (and of course Sega in Japan; Japan is always first you realize) has created game consoles for the public urinal controlled by, you got it, a man’s urine. Yes, you heard me. Apparently men spend 55 seconds on average in front of the urinal and that is simply too much time to sit alone with one’s thoughts whilst staring at one's shoes (or envying the man next to you – oh go on, you know this takes place).

Basically this hands free device (cause touching anything would just be gross) has a console above the urinal that is controlled by where a man  pees within the urinal. By use of infra-red sensors at the bottom of the bowl, a man then aims for marked targets by peeing on them with his own 'joystick,' if you will. Yes, it is that crass. So far the games consist of a skiing game and a pub quiz. I’m sure they are fast developing about 300 more games as we speak (who needs to cure cancer when we have people hard at work creating urinal video games). Once a man has finished playing (and peeing), he can post his scores to twitter and a live leader board. Cause what would make your mother prouder than you getting the high score playing a urinal game. Oh King, how I pray you aspire for higher accomplishments.
The console is also going to be used for advertising, be it the bar that you’re using the toilet in, or various food or drink possibilities. Cause we are truly not safe from advertising anywhere.

The thing is this, I get it, we are a highly technological culture that is inches away from living in some overstimulated sci-fi film; but, and this is a BIG but, if you can’t spend 55 seconds on your own in a public bathroom without being entertained, then I’m not even sure what to say to that. No wonder we are fast becoming an illiterate, uneducated, violent society. Furthermore, the bathroom is the last place I want to spend time, especially a public restroom. Seriously, ewwwwww. Sorry eloquence escapes me.

Not to mention, you think couples fight now because of a PlayStation at home, can you imagine the public arguments that will arise because Mr. Video junky can’t leave the public restroom until he gets the high score while his family waits outside for him [cause you know they will never have the same advancements in the women’s toilet - not that we need them. We don’t even get more than two stalls]. 

So for those of you that think this is a good idea, go read a book; take a breath; stare at a wall, anything. Just take a moment to remind yourself that you are able for 55 seconds to do absolutely nothing...but pee that is.

Monday 28 November 2011

CITY BREAK


I recently stayed in a hotel in my own city. My partner and I were having a weekend ‘away,’ and figured the fact that we were venturing out of the house, without our child, was cause enough for celebration. But there was also a desire on both our parts to stay within London, knowing that when you do ‘visit’ where you live, you suddenly see the city altogether differently. That and well, staying in your own city is cheaper, and these days that's pretty darn enticing.

Purposefully – and because the man is ace and knows it is my favorite view – we booked a hotel in a completely different part of London with a view of the Houses of Parliament. As I said, it’s one of my favorite areas and as far as I’m concerned the architecture, and cityscapes around those parts are unparalleled. Sit down Paris (alright fine, who are we kidding, but it’s a close second).  Aside from the fact that hotel living is a gift in itself – seriously, what is greater than checking into a hotel room and knowing you don’t have to clean it and people will actually bring you food on demand? – there is something enlightening about seeing your city as a tourist, if you will.

Suddenly you see your city from a totally different vantage point –its like a lover that you’ve been sitting on the sofa with for years, both of you in your boring old sweatpants, and then suddenly you go out wearing something nice and you actually see one another; furthermore, when you vacation in your own city, you take your time when you’re going somewhere (amble, I think is the word), and you actually take in the views the city has to offer cause you’re not stuck in your own well-carved out routine. You find yourself noticing things you never noticed before and saying touristy phrases like, ‘oh my god, isn’t that building amazing?’ as you walk around the streets. We even broke out the camera and took a photo of us standing in front various tourist sights just to mark the occasion.

I’m not sure if half of this enthusiasm was fueled by the fact that we knew we did not have to change a diaper, wipe a nose, or figure out what to feed a fussy toddler for a whole 24 hours. I’m sure it was partly that, and partly the fact that we were finally seeing London as it should be seen. It got to the point where I was so excited to actually be out with my partner after nightfall (I swear I felt like I was breaking curfew or something), that I forgot I was wearing heels and encouraged us to walk a mile back to our hotel so we could soak up the lights and sights as we made our way across the river. I paid dearly for that mistake in the morning when my blistered feet reminded me that I was not Posh Spice. But, needless to say, it was all worth it.

So any of you needing a break out there, I highly advise checking in to your own city. You’ll see her with a whole new set of eyes, I promise you that (of course depending on where you live this could be terrifying or life threatening, but let's end on a positive note!).
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