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Thursday 24 November 2011

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

In honor of Thanksgiving – once a yank, always a yank – I thought I’d blog today in honor of the American holiday that for the most part I usually forget – it’s the expat disease. It’s one of those holidays where the actual message often gets swallowed up by the amount of food you stuff in your face. You vaguely remember it’s about Indians, and pilgrims and acorn stuffing…and then it dawns on you that that sweet little tale was a complete figment of our history books imaginations, and in truth, the early settlers were probably bashing the poor Indians heads in with stale acorn bread. Yes, the brutal reality of American history.

But not to be too mired down in the macabre, I thought I’d focus today’s blog on giving thanks. After all, that is the part of the holiday that has the positive message, and we all dig that. Giving thanks is one of those things that we should simply do more often. I’m sure many do in form of a prayer before they eat, or a morning mantra, or part of their meditation, but let’s be honest, most of the population is not that evolved. So what better than a day once a year (it should be monthly in my opinion; although eating all the stuffing would make my hips enormous) to truly make you ponder the things for which you are thankful.

For starters of course: the King. I’m thankful for his little roly-poly, smiley, curly haired, charming, mischief-making self. Coupled with that, I’m thankful for my partner who helped me create the little meatball, as he’s pretty damn cute too. I’m thankful for my family for being there always, for putting up with my pop culture addictions, my intricate – and often annoying – writer’s brain, and for the fact that I live half way across the world and yet they have not forgotten me. [Although my sisters suck at skyping. Come on, move into this century people!]

I’m thankful for coffee. Yes, you heard me. It’s a no brainer, but the last sixteen months I would not have survived without it. I’m thankful for all those that have helped out along the way to prevent my partner and me from going insane now that we are parents. You know who you are, and we are eternally thankful. I’m thankful that the Twilight franchise is coming to an end – seriously, enough already. We get it, wolves and vampires hate each other, now sort it out or move back to Transylvania.

I’m thankful that people around the world are finally waking up and telling their governments where to shove it. I’m thankful for our building manager who comes to fix things in our flat whenever they break (seriously, how nice is that?), I’m thankful for dark chocolate, my parents, the fact that my jeans still fit, and that I am healthy, happy and live in one of the best cities in the world. Oh, and I'm thankful for Tim Riggins. [For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, you should. You really should. For those of you that do, let's just savor the moment; shall we (Amelia)].

So I ask you, what are you thankful for? Take a minute and ask yourself, then go tell someone if they’ve helped you out how appreciative you are. Go on, be a yank for a day and give thanks. It’s one of our better ideas as Americans, I assure you.

Happy Thanksgiving all! 

Monday 21 November 2011

JUNK IN YOUR TRUNK


A transgender man (see above photo) who was a man, but now is a woman (more or less), just to avoid any confusion – was arrested in Miami for posing as a doctor and injecting a woman’s buttocks with paraffin, cement and a tire inflation spray, and then closing up the wound with superglue.
If that statement in itself did not cause you to spit up your morning coffee, then you are made of some strong, impervious stuff my friend. I shall back up for those of you that are still mopping up the mess you’ve made on the kitchen table. Oneal Morris, the man (woman) in question, was apparently part of a network of unlicensed practitioners with no medical experience who took part in illegal ‘pumping’ parties. Clearly not satisfied with whatever the heck that entails, he also did ‘procedures’ on the side, including his obvious specialty: the butt enhancement.
This is all just a recipe for disaster, isn’t it?
So, a ‘patient’ if you will, or a total flipping moron, paid Oneal $700 bucks, a highly reduced rate I’m told (um, just a word of warning to anyone in the market for some plastic surgery, this is not one of those things you want at a reduced price) after being referred to him by a friend – a friend who is no longer, I’m gathering. The woman told the police that Oneal used a ‘hose-pipe attached to a cool box’ to pump a mixture of cement and paraffin into incisions  that he made in her buttocks. Actual cement in your ass. Well, that is certainly a hell of a lot of junk in one’s trunk. How on earth the patient was expected to carry her caboose out of there is beyond me?
Needless to say, following this ‘procedure’ the patient developed the MRSA bug and pneumonia, not to mention she was in agonizing pain and had to drive herself to the hospital [this is also one of those instances that one may have wanted to call an ambulance. Seriously, prioritize!]. She was too embarrassed to tell the doctors at the ER what happened at first, I suppose I can’t blame her, and finally confessed after the doctors realized what was inside of her backside. ‘Um, Mam, why is your ass hard as a rock?’
Note to those of you considering plastic surgery out there, if your surgeon's ass is unnaturally the size of a football field (see above photo) that might be your first sign that this is situation worthy of reconsideration. Secondly, if you see a garden hose, or a bag of cement anywhere near you before the ‘doctor’ begins to operate, RUN. Thirdly, if the ‘doctor’ then says to you following the procedure, ‘god this superglue stuff is just the handiest stuff ever!’ as he starts to put your ass back together, hit 911 on your speed dial and pray you will see tomorrow.  And finally, butt enhancements? Really? Just do some squats, or stuff a pillow back there and stop being so damn vain.


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