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Wednesday 19 October 2011

THOSE SHOES MAKE ME HOT

The famous shoe designer, Christian Louboutin believes that high heeled shoes - specifically his creations I’m guessing - put a woman in an ‘orgasmic situation' when she is wearing them. Apparently upon meeting with a French Academic, he discovered that when one wears a stiletto, the arch of the foot is in the same position it is in when a woman orgasms.  So in short, when you’re wearing a stiletto, you’re setting yourself up for a very good time.

Um...okay Mr. Cobbler. Whatever you say. Louboutin went on to say that women are willing to suffer the pain of high-heeled shoes because of the seductive power of the shoe, and hence, they allow their inner character to come out and play, whereas men just wear shoes to appear elegant or wealthy. I suppose this theory would explain the fights that break out between women during a shoe sale.

Okay, let’s break this down shall we, cause this whole theory is starting to feel a tad  preposterous. I will give Mr. Louboutin credit that when a woman puts on a high heel shoe, there is a power that comes along with it. Your leg looks longer, you become taller (for us vertically challenged individuals, this is very enticing), and suddenly standing at this increased vantage point feels very intoxicating – for about five minutes. Then of course it dawns on you that squeezing your foot into an unnaturally small confined cone like space hurts like hell and you long for the moment you can take these vice grips off. And I must emphasize that at no point when I’m tottering around in heels praying I do not break my leg do I think, 'gosh, my arch feels so darn high and sexy I just might have an orgasm.' The only thing that perhaps may set my heart a flight is the price of the Louboutin itself; in fact, spending six hundred dollars on a shoe is a surefire way to give me an absolute heart attack.

The truth is, as much as I want to be that woman that trots off to the grocery store in jeans and six-inch heels like Posh Spice, it just isn’t me. I’d surely be hobbled by the time I got there with feet covered in raw bleeding blisters with no seductive powers in sight. In fact, on the occasions when I do bust out my high heels for an evening out, I make sure my partner takes a long good look at me at the start of the evening. The first ten minutes, I may even twirl or saunter down the hallway, as we both remark how amazing the shoes are, and how much more obnoxious I would be as a tall person (I would do evil with my power, not good). Then of course an hour into the evening, the shoes are stuffed in my purse and my partner has turned into my pack-mule as he is reduced to carrying me on his back because my feet hurt so badly.

So for those high arched individuals of the world who claim wearing flat shoes hurts your feet, I say, rock those stilettos for the rest of us. I am certainly not averse to admiring a stunning pair of heels as they pass by me on the street; but keep it clean for the rest of our sakes and keep your orgasms to yourself.




Sunday 16 October 2011

THE EAVESDROP


Have you ever caught yourself eavesdropping, telling yourself that you shouldn’t be doing it, and yet, like watching an accident occur, you can’t bring yourself to stop? It’s one of those taboo behaviors that everyone seems to do, but no one wants to admit to having done it. Kind of like...drinking wine coolers, listening to Kenny Loggins, and teasing your hair in the eighties – you did it, I know you did.

There are categories when it comes to ‘the eavesdrop’ which determines of course how brazen you are - or shameless. There is, for example, the overt hiding behind the door listening to someone argue, eavesdrop. Usually when you find yourself doing this, you do your best to create a hundred reasons why you are entitled to follow the individual(s) conversation: I’m their kid/best friend/parent/employee; I have a right to know if I'm about to be fired/dumped/grounded etc. All attempts of course of explaining why your head is plastered to the door with a glass pressed up tight to your ear. There is also the other often used excuse which is: they are being very loud and if I hear them, well, it’s their own fault.

I never said human beings were perfect.

My partner and I actually used this excuse the other day while our neighbors were arguing. They fight at an incredibly loud decibel and the walls are paper thin, so in short, we hear it ALL. While we secretly relish in the ‘Days of Our Lives’ drama that is going on downstairs – I’m thinking it makes us feel normal – I also find it infuriating because the boyfriend is a serious jackass, and it makes me want to go downstairs and scream some reason into the girlfriend for staying with him. Alas, this is rule number one of eavesdropping (ahem, aside from not to do it): if you’re not supposed to be listening, you’ve heard in essence nothing, so stay out of it.

Then of course there is the accidental eavesdrop. This usually happens on public transport or when you are sitting at a restaurant and the tables are so close you can’t help but hear that the couple next to you haven’t had sex since 1996. The other day in fact I passed two young boys in the park who were sharing with one another how they think it’s pretty ‘hot’ when two girls kiss in the movies…but seemed a less than thrilled when men do it. Ah yes, it does indeed start that young. You hear all sorts of gems on the tube, especially in this city. People breaking up, making up, complaining about their partners, bosses, the price of milk. It's pretty standard stuff, but every now and then you will get a nugget of serious amusement.

My partner often calls me from the supermarket to tell me about a couple that he often sees there, who during their shop proceed to fight down every aisle. No, it’s not the downstairs neighbors. As my partner loves gossip about as much as a loaf of fresh baked bread, he proceeds to follow them and text me the entire argument blow by blow. “Now she’s getting mad at him cause he wants to buy an expensive cheese.” “They just argued over broccoli and are now in a stand-off over butternut squash.” And so on…the fact that my partner is able to do the shop, make sure the King doesn't shop lift (by eating everything in the cart) and text at the same time is damn impressive.

I realize it is of course bad form to listen in on others conversations, but on a human level I think we do it to remind ourselves that we all have that similar propensity to wade in the pithy pool of petty pointlessness (sorry, I just love alliterations). Knowing the couple in the market is mundane enough to fight over cheese makes us feel better that we may have just had an argument in our own homes about the way our partner loads a dishwasher.  It’s either that, or we are all waiting to finally catch that one individual who is planning a murder or plotting to bring down the government. Seriously, has anyone ever overheard someone describing anything but inane crap we all fight/moan/complain about? That would be a bus journey to remember. I can just imagine my partner’s face if I texted him saying that I just overheard the couple next to me planning to storm 10 Downing Street with flaming torches. Now that would be a justifiable eavesdrop.


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