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Friday 30 September 2011

SO I HEAR YOU'RE DATING AN ALIEN


I read an interview the other day with an actor that was essentially making the interviewer earn every penny of her salary. In short, he was being a reticent, moody pill that wasn’t keen on answering any questions. I won’t name names so as not to ruin the allure when you see him on film. [Daniel Craig…Ooops. Sorry].

I guess he is known to be not fond of doing press for any of his films and sits there tight-lipped with a list of things you can’t ask him. Cause you see, he’s a thespian, and apparently thespians take themselves so seriously that interviews are not part of their craft. They also rarely smile - I don't trust people who rarely smile. Either that or his ultimate role is that of King sourpuss and he’s just totally ‘method,’ dude.

I have to say, this annoyed me on so many levels. Firstly, any man that has made a film entitled 'Cowboys and Aliens' should not be able to use the word ‘craft’ in the same sentence as aliens unless he’s talking about the food table. You’re in a movie where cowboys are combatting aliens...yes, you heard me, aliens. And this is all against a big giant green screen; (Brando would be having a heart attack). It’s not Chekov. Funny enough, the other actor in the film is also notorious for being excessively moody with bad interview etiquette. They must have been a real riot on set together.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a film nut, and therefore have giant respect for actors (the good ones). Not to mention I am a fan of Daniel’s. A big fan. I think at the moment he’s one of our better actors – even when wearing chaps and fending off aliens. But what drives me to drink is when actors forget part of their job requirement – cause as far as I can tell there are only two requirements really. First you make the film, and then you PROMOTE the film so that the minions will go see it and pay your egregious salary. See two skills: Make, promote. Make, promote. See, it’s easy, one goes with the other. Not too complicated, right? Can you imagine if the train driver said he would drive the train, but stopping the train at the stations was just too taxing. "You see, I'm a speed man. Stopping is just not in my repertoire." 

In defense of actors, I realize that it is not such a picnic to sit across from a stranger asking you personal invasive questions (and yes, the media has gotten very out of hand), but well, you’re an actor. ACT like it is. Smile. Pretend. Make up a pretend girlfriend that lives in Canada or tell a few jokes, anything for godsakes. You can control just about any situation with a charming smile. Trust me. [Or I have an idea, try coalmining or driving a garbage truck. That’ll whip your attitude into shape]. As for the thespian jargon, I get it; some actors went to prestigious schools (some just apparently have the ‘gift’), and are reverent of their profession. And many of them find intrusive questions about their personal life not a part of their ‘job.’ I suppose my only answer to the reticents of the world is, you entered a field called show business. Show. Get it. And these days it's ALL about the show - and when your career is tanking you're going to need those very journalists you rebuff now. Call it karma for earning a salary that most people will never see in a lifetime. For those actors that can’t handle it, I have a tip for you: do theater. Hell, do dinner theater. I’m sure no one will be standing outside the stage door wanting to know whom you’re dating.

Funny enough, I recently went to visit someone while they were doing press for a film. He had been at a hotel all day and had three hours left to go after lunch. I asked him if he ever got tired or bored of the junkets. He looked at me and laughed and exclaimed that he’d be a serious jackass to complain about getting flown over to a fun city, paid to sit in a nice hotel and talk about himself for hours on end. As he saw it, at the moment people want to talk to him, which is nice. Very nice. It will be much worse when they don't.

He was acting honest. I like that.

Wednesday 28 September 2011

HARDWIRED FOR MISCHIEF


What is it about mischief that is so tantalizing to the human species? Actually, throw the animal species in there as well, as one trip to the zoo will confirm that mischievous behavior is akin to all of us. From a sociological standpoint, it is an eye-opening thing to watch the King in his next phase of life – and of course a true testament to how much human beings like to push the proverbial envelope – or push the envelope into the toilet and then flush it, in the King’s case.

I suppose it starts with an innate curiosity with which we are all born. Currently the King is in the zone where if there is mischief to be had, he wants a part of it. If you say don’t touch something, he wants to touch it, if you tell him not to go into the street, that’s the only place he wants to go - with a smile on his willful little face. If there is something he can hide, destroy or throw off from a higher vantage point until it hits the ground with a loud crash, he’s going to try and do it. From his point of view, I get it; it’s new, fun and exhilarating in ways one can’t describe in toddler speak. 

When you think about it, as we grow older many of us do not lose this sense of mischief or determination to demonstrate one's will – for many you could even say it is a sheer need to seek mischief out. For a large majority of human beings, it is an indescribable pull to do the opposite of the norm, the often dangerous, the exhilarating, the rebellious even. I’m even talking in small terms: skipping class, or calling in sick, even smoking a cigarette. That first furtive toke off Uncle So and So’s Marlboro had an element of breaking the rules to it. It made your blood pump faster cause you knew you shouldn’t be doing it (or was that the nicotine?). And for those of you thinking you’re not a rule breaker, trust me, even stealing office supplies from your office has an element of mischief to it.

Speaking from experience, I was one of those kids that gravitated towards mischief like a moth to a flame [hence where the King probably gets it from. Gee, great]. Perhaps because it was forbidden, or it had an element of risk to it, then again, perhaps it was simply out there to try and I was the type that wanted to try a bit of everything. More often than not, I think this approach to life is more common than we like to admit. Take a look around society – these days mischief has run amuck in astronomical ways, we just happen to label it with a variety of different, more acceptable names. Take a gander at our government, financial institutions, not to mention penitentiary system (to name a very few) - all rife with individuals who take extreme risks, push the boundaries and bathe in flagrant misconduct. 

You see, some things from childhood we grow out of; we proudly evolve into mature adults who learn to be controlled, responsible, civilized even...then again, who are we kidding? The majority of society has much more in common with a fourteen month old.

Monday 26 September 2011

YOU HAVE MY FACE


I was running in the park yesterday (or hobbling as I call it) and I passed a set of identical twin boys playing in the park. Their parents had dressed them - you guessed it - identically. Cause why allow your children their own separate identities as long as they’re under your control. Sorry; too much sarcasm for a Monday morning? I am thinking it is now abundantly clear that this is always something that has 'disturbed' me.

I shall happily give those that do this the benefit of the doubt and first look at this from the perspective of ease. You’re a parent of twins; you’re doubly exhausted (in ways I can’t imagine) and when you shop you just pick up two of everything and throw your children in the outfits without a second thought. Okay, I get that. Of course my jaded kneejerk response to this is, is it that difficult to throw a blue t-shirt on one kid and an orange one the other? So that of course begs the question, why? Why do parents with identical twins insist on dressing them alike when it would appear hard enough to differentiate yourself when your sibling has the exact same face you do! Perhaps it is for the sheer ‘awww how cute’ factor of having two kids wearing the same outfits. Then again, maybe it’s pure sadistic fun on the part of the parents to utterly confuse the public as to which child is which.

I always thought being an identical twin would be a pretty challenging feat in itself. Yes there are advantages – and don’t you know I would work every angle if I were a twin. You could actually be in two places at once; you could take each other’s exams; scope out perspective dates; do things for each other the other did not want to do. Yes, my ideas all steeped in mischievous behavior, but isn’t that the upside to having a person that looks exactly as you do? Oh come on, think of the fun to be had. The other thing that would be pretty cool is that you would finally see what you looked like in the flesh; yes, I realize we do have mirrors, but it’s altogether different than being out shopping and seeing yourself (in twin form) come towards you so that you can really see what you look like three dimensionally. 

The cons of course are that you spend your whole entire life telling people that you’re really Sally and not Sue; everyone is constantly staring and muttering how alike you guys look (um, yeah, we’re identical, morons), and you most likely spent your youth wearing the exact same outfit as your brother/sister because your parents thought it was oh so cute. In fact, I’m starting to feel an incredible amount of empathy for identical twins. If life wasn’t hard enough in which to carve out an identity, you have to prove that you are different than this person next to you that on the surface is downright identical. Geesh....It now makes perfect sense when you meet twins and one has radically changed their appearance. 'This is Sue, and that one over there with the eight piercings and the blue Mohawk is Sally.'

So next time you want to dress your kids in identical fashion, think of how incredibly annoying it is when you show up somewhere and some woman is wearing the exact same dress you are. At to make matters worse, she looks better in it than you do. That’ll make you think twice, won’t it. 
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