Friday 16 September 2011

THE LUXURY LAP BED

Do you ever come across one of those inventions that kind of make sense, and you think to yourself, damn maybe they’re on to something (only then to realize that the item will probably just end up in your garage in six weeks collecting dust). Xan Rubey is the creator of Laps of Luxury Pet Beds. In essence, the lap bed is literally just that; it’s in the shape of person’s lap, cut off at the torso (okay it looks a little macabre) legs crossed, jeans on, even a belt. NO attention to detail spared. Xan’s idea came to him (him/her? Seriously I have no clue) when he asked himself where his dog liked to sleep the most. The answer: his lap.

I have to say, whilst it looks a little strange, I like the whole notion of killing two birds with one stone, i.e. the dog is happy and thinks it is getting its way by sleeping in your lap, and you meanwhile can go make a cup of tea. Saying that, won’t the dog notice that it’s not sleeping in its owner’s lap, if its owner is wandering around the house? I suppose that of course begs the question, do dogs just like any old lap to sleep in?

This of course got me thinking about the other inventions that make our lives easier. When I was breast-feeding I often thought how great it would be to have a giant torso with boobs that I could hook the King up to so I could take a few minutes off. I realize this would cut into bonding time, but please, there are 24 hours in the day, we did a lot of bonding. Or, how about a cushion that is in the shape of ones arms to lay the baby in. I suppose these arms would also have to be warm with a heartbeat of some kind as little people like that sort of thing. I’m sure Hasbro could get on that.

Then I thought, why not take it a step further. You could have a giant personalized mannequin in your likeness that you could place in various places throughout the house and it could just point to things, i.e. your husbands keys, mobile phone etc. No words necessary, just a mute clone of you with an extended hand pointing at what most likely your husband is looking for – let’s face it, it’s always the same thing. Or perhaps you could position ‘mute you’ next to the toilet paper roll in the bathroom. She could point at the roll with a scowl on her face and I bet you that toilet paper roll will always be changed, no questions asked. Think about all the time saved and monotony you would cut down on.

Or let’s just open this gate wide open and talk about the inventions I can’t believe have not been invented yet, but should be - like a self-cleaning breadboard. Yes, you heard me. How many times do you slice bread and crumbs go absolutely everywhere, all over the board, counter etc. (for an OCD person this is up there with death). So how about a breadboard, in which you press a button and presto, some little vacuum vent opens and sucks those crumbs right up. Or how about a set of drawers for one’s clothes with a remote control lock on them. Simply because I’m sick of finding plastic cars, crackers or kitchen utensils hidden amongst my T-shirts – yes, we can happily thank the King for these little treasures.

God I'm a genius.

Wednesday 14 September 2011

MY INBOX OR YOURS?

I met a woman the other night that was about to go on her first internet date. She was trying to figure out what to wear, whilst simultaneously get our opinion on the mere notion of dating via the internet. Let’s be honest, you could tell she was nervous and unsure about the whole idea. Of course we did the only thing we could do: we told her to opt for jeans instead of the micro mini she was planning on wearing and to meet him in a public place in case he was an axe wielding maniac (not sure that part was helpful).

Internet dating is definitely a generational phenomenon, not to mention a clear divider between individuals. In short, there are those that do it, and those that would rather stay home alone for the rest of eternity counting the hairs on their cat’s backs. I happily fall into the generation that still views internet dating with some suspicion. For me, it’s a bit like shopping online, if I can’t see it in the flesh, touch it, try it on etc, then I am not necessarily convinced I will like it. It's also just inorganic in its nature and feels like society is inching closer to never having to leave one's home whilst ordering anything and everything online.

Hmmm, we may be there actually.

Now before I continue, I can already hear the masses out there with stories of how internet dating changed his/her life for the better. And trust me, I’m sure it has. So let’s wander down that path and discuss the positives before my jaded sensibilities show through. For starters, it beats a sweaty, beer soaked bar where you have to get dressed up to then sit on a stool and fend off drunken men who drool on your shoulder and throw one liners at you that are sure to be god awful. “Baby, you’re a thief, cause you stole my heart after just one look.” Lord. Please stop.

Then there is the fact that you can pretty much shop for all the qualities you are seeking in a man and more importantly, things you are NOT seeking. If successful at the above, one can then weed through the inbox and start up conversations with Bill, Harry and John and continue doing so in a safe, harmless environment for as long as you see fit – or until you build up the nerve to meet Mr. Internet at the local Starbucks (oh yeah, always meet for coffee your first time out, never a meal. Far too big of a commitment). The other good thing about the prolonged conversation is that as sure as I'm sitting here typing, the man on the other end of the computer will say something to put you off; which means you can save yourself a bad date in your near future. A positive. See.

The problem lies however in the fact that despite what one has put down in their profile or the photo they have chosen, does not make it fact or reality in anyway. I mean who doesn’t embellish on their personal CV? It’s not like one is going to put all the ugly and hideous idiosyncrasies out there for the world to see. Not to mention, most people use their ‘hot’ photo. You know the one where you finally think, damn I look hot; the angle was right, the stars aligned, the jeans fit well and make you look like you haven't eaten since last week. You know, the photo that makes you look better than you really do. Sorry, I know it’s harsh, but humans are inherently vain and insecure. We’re certainly not going to put a photo up there that shows our eye bags and adult acne.

I suppose the other thing that alarms me about internet dating is that anyone can do it. Serial killers can have a profile. Let’s just put it that way. And on that profile they can claim they have a six pack, will bake you muffins and just want to take care of a woman and show them all the love they have to give....and then bury them in the backyard after smacking them over the head with a shovel.

I told you. Jaded. It’s a hard road, but someone has to walk it.

Monday 12 September 2011

KING CASANOVA

I’m just going to go ahead and say it, at the nascent age of fourteen months; the King is quickly becoming a Casanova. I always knew he was a lover rather than a fighter – although you touch his stuffed elephant that he sleeps with and you will be shut down – but of late he has been developing some serious, definitive moves. I’m not sure if this should alarm me as a parent or impress me. At the moment, it’s pretty darn adorable.

Early on he was always the kid at the park that instead of looking at other babies his age; he would focus on the mothers - and more importantly, gaining their attention. Wherever he was, he would set his sights on a woman in the park, make eyes at her and keep his focus locked on her until she would look his way. Then of course, he would turn on the charm, smile, bat his little eyelashes and occasionally let out a loud laugh with his head slightly tossed back. I tell you, moves. More impressive was the fact that sometimes he would sit and wait for a look from a woman for a good five minutes. That is some serious dedication to one’s craft.

Now that he is up and walking, his repertoire has evolved. The other day at music class, whilst the other twenty children were sitting in a circle, each in their parent’s laps – how they get them to do that is beyond me! – the King was walking around the room eyeing up the mothers [okay, and the children’s snacks; one little boy’s croissant caused some serious drooling]. He would stand about a foot in front of each mother and then launch his smile-charm-offensive. If that was not enough, when I would finally coax him to sit down in my lap, after a moment or so, he would gently place his hand on the woman’s thigh on either side of him and leave it there until they would look at him. Of course, feeling a little person’s hand on their leg would cause them to turn and see who had the audacity, at which time King Casanova would lean in and smile until they would smile back at him. For now this little habit is downright charming and adorable [I am slightly worried if he is doing this as a grown man on the tube as I don’t think it will be met with the same adoration].

The King will also practice this routine at home with a few added moves that I can only assume he thinks will either impress or seduce me into giving him something (a cuddle, milk…a pie…I kid; he’s fine with half a pie). This move involves his beloved elephant – his partner in crime – which he gently places on my knee, or on the floor etc., and then he lays his head on it, looks at you with his wide brown eyes, puts his bum up in the air and smiles. I will often find him around the house right in my path in this exact pose, just smiling up at me. Honestly, it’s hard not to give the child what he wants when he’s batting his eyelashes and hugging an elephant. Then again, I am an absolute sucker for a charming man.

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