Monday 21 November 2011


A transgender man (see above photo) who was a man, but now is a woman (more or less), just to avoid any confusion – was arrested in Miami for posing as a doctor and injecting a woman’s buttocks with paraffin, cement and a tire inflation spray, and then closing up the wound with superglue.
If that statement in itself did not cause you to spit up your morning coffee, then you are made of some strong, impervious stuff my friend. I shall back up for those of you that are still mopping up the mess you’ve made on the kitchen table. Oneal Morris, the man (woman) in question, was apparently part of a network of unlicensed practitioners with no medical experience who took part in illegal ‘pumping’ parties. Clearly not satisfied with whatever the heck that entails, he also did ‘procedures’ on the side, including his obvious specialty: the butt enhancement.
This is all just a recipe for disaster, isn’t it?
So, a ‘patient’ if you will, or a total flipping moron, paid Oneal $700 bucks, a highly reduced rate I’m told (um, just a word of warning to anyone in the market for some plastic surgery, this is not one of those things you want at a reduced price) after being referred to him by a friend – a friend who is no longer, I’m gathering. The woman told the police that Oneal used a ‘hose-pipe attached to a cool box’ to pump a mixture of cement and paraffin into incisions  that he made in her buttocks. Actual cement in your ass. Well, that is certainly a hell of a lot of junk in one’s trunk. How on earth the patient was expected to carry her caboose out of there is beyond me?
Needless to say, following this ‘procedure’ the patient developed the MRSA bug and pneumonia, not to mention she was in agonizing pain and had to drive herself to the hospital [this is also one of those instances that one may have wanted to call an ambulance. Seriously, prioritize!]. She was too embarrassed to tell the doctors at the ER what happened at first, I suppose I can’t blame her, and finally confessed after the doctors realized what was inside of her backside. ‘Um, Mam, why is your ass hard as a rock?’
Note to those of you considering plastic surgery out there, if your surgeon's ass is unnaturally the size of a football field (see above photo) that might be your first sign that this is situation worthy of reconsideration. Secondly, if you see a garden hose, or a bag of cement anywhere near you before the ‘doctor’ begins to operate, RUN. Thirdly, if the ‘doctor’ then says to you following the procedure, ‘god this superglue stuff is just the handiest stuff ever!’ as he starts to put your ass back together, hit 911 on your speed dial and pray you will see tomorrow.  And finally, butt enhancements? Really? Just do some squats, or stuff a pillow back there and stop being so damn vain.

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