Wednesday 19 October 2011


The famous shoe designer, Christian Louboutin believes that high heeled shoes - specifically his creations I’m guessing - put a woman in an ‘orgasmic situation' when she is wearing them. Apparently upon meeting with a French Academic, he discovered that when one wears a stiletto, the arch of the foot is in the same position it is in when a woman orgasms.  So in short, when you’re wearing a stiletto, you’re setting yourself up for a very good time.

Um...okay Mr. Cobbler. Whatever you say. Louboutin went on to say that women are willing to suffer the pain of high-heeled shoes because of the seductive power of the shoe, and hence, they allow their inner character to come out and play, whereas men just wear shoes to appear elegant or wealthy. I suppose this theory would explain the fights that break out between women during a shoe sale.

Okay, let’s break this down shall we, cause this whole theory is starting to feel a tad  preposterous. I will give Mr. Louboutin credit that when a woman puts on a high heel shoe, there is a power that comes along with it. Your leg looks longer, you become taller (for us vertically challenged individuals, this is very enticing), and suddenly standing at this increased vantage point feels very intoxicating – for about five minutes. Then of course it dawns on you that squeezing your foot into an unnaturally small confined cone like space hurts like hell and you long for the moment you can take these vice grips off. And I must emphasize that at no point when I’m tottering around in heels praying I do not break my leg do I think, 'gosh, my arch feels so darn high and sexy I just might have an orgasm.' The only thing that perhaps may set my heart a flight is the price of the Louboutin itself; in fact, spending six hundred dollars on a shoe is a surefire way to give me an absolute heart attack.

The truth is, as much as I want to be that woman that trots off to the grocery store in jeans and six-inch heels like Posh Spice, it just isn’t me. I’d surely be hobbled by the time I got there with feet covered in raw bleeding blisters with no seductive powers in sight. In fact, on the occasions when I do bust out my high heels for an evening out, I make sure my partner takes a long good look at me at the start of the evening. The first ten minutes, I may even twirl or saunter down the hallway, as we both remark how amazing the shoes are, and how much more obnoxious I would be as a tall person (I would do evil with my power, not good). Then of course an hour into the evening, the shoes are stuffed in my purse and my partner has turned into my pack-mule as he is reduced to carrying me on his back because my feet hurt so badly.

So for those high arched individuals of the world who claim wearing flat shoes hurts your feet, I say, rock those stilettos for the rest of us. I am certainly not averse to admiring a stunning pair of heels as they pass by me on the street; but keep it clean for the rest of our sakes and keep your orgasms to yourself.

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