SCARFACE
This is an open letter to Hollywood. Some tough love is in order, Hollywood, so you better sit down. In fact, get very comfortable cause you have it coming to you and I’m in just the mood to serve it up.
You’ve hit rock bottom. Yes, you heard me, you’ve finally utterly disgraced yourself and it is time for your intervention. For years most of us have eaten up – begrudgingly in my case – what you have served up; call it a sheer love of film and desperation to go to the cinema. We waited for those few months before Christmas when the only films worth seeing would be trotted out and we would be reminded how great moviemaking could be. And then over the years, as Nicole Kidman’s face got tighter (and weirder), the individuality in film started to wane, and the entire creative process was given an enema, the likes of which I’ve never seen. And before you knew it, the film industry was awash in formulaic regurgitation, franchises and remakes (and remakes of remakes).
The first time you remade a classic I did my best to turn a blind eye. I took it like a woman
(I hate the saying, ‘take it like a man;’ seriously, women can take a lot more pain/hardship than men. Labor and giving birth anyone???) when you remade Arthur; Or when you messed with Straw Dogs, Manchurian Candidate, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and last but not least, our beloved 80's cheese-fest, Footloose. I even stayed quiet when you reworked the Freaky Friday theme for the 400th time – 'no way, they switched bodies! How revolutionary.' But then you simply did the unforgivable, the inexcusable, the purely undignified, – you recently announced in your obnoxious and deluded fashion that you were intent on remaking…wait, I can’t even say it…
Scarface. Yes, the beloved iconic never to be messed with cause it’s sheer perfection film that every gangster this side of…okay I don’t really know the English gangster hoods, but the folks that go on MTV Cribs are going to be pissed. [Fine, I know DePalma’s Scarface is a remake as well, but seriously, the man gave us a gift].
Can’t you just picture the sheer horror of the development meeting going on right now to discuss this piece of ingenious inspiration; ‘So yeah, we were thinking that this time around we keep the whole Tony Montana foreigner vibe going, but spice it up a bit, make him from somewhere really out there, like you know, Texas; but this time he’s always wanted his big break on Broadway, so instead of being a drug addicted cocaine Kingpin, he channels his immigrant angst into song – (sung in A minor) “say hello to my little friend and my fancy jazz haaaands!”
Let’s see if Zac Efron is free – can he do a Texan accent? [Shoot me now].
So Hollywood here is my advice, and as you are so deep in your addiction of capitalistic greed and are devoid of any creativity whatsoever, I know you won’t hear it. But I shall speak slowly and hope for the best. ENOUGH with the remakes. Put to work one of the eight zillion screenwriters out there (ahem) with original material that are dying to work but did not go to camp with Spielberg’s dentist or date Adam Sandler in the seventh grade and make a movie that is just that, ORIGINAL. I realize this is a new concept and this means taking a risk, but at this point you’re only embarrassing yourself by churning out film after film that we’ve already seen played by actors that are under fed, over botoxed, and fly on broomsticks or suck blood from teenagers. Take a leaf out of Europe’s book - yes, there are things that despite what you may think, Europe does better - and make a film that has heart. Not only heart, but a script with actual characters that doesn’t require a twenty minute car chase, a spaceship, a group of guys on a debauched weekend that involves hookers and fart jokes or some kid that used to be 8 and is now thirty and by the end of the film learns a valuable lesson about being a kid/adult.
Now go clean yourselves up, you look atrocious.