THAT WAS, AHEM...GREAT
Okay, let’s talk about the subject no one has the heart, or nerve for that matter, to talk about and yet everyone has experienced it once, if not many more times in their life. Yes, I’m talking about bad sex (sorry Mom, you may want to skip this blog; your daughter is indeed talking about sex). You see, where most are embarrassed to open the bad sex closet and let the skeletons come tumbling out, prematurely in some cases, I find the whole subject of bad sex terribly amusing. But then again most taboo subjects are fodder for those that love dissecting human nature and writing about it.
Here’s the thing, it’s a bit like being right and wrong. I’m sure everyone out there thinks that they are amazing in bed, just as most individuals assume they are right (or almost always right). But the odds are that some people out there could use a little improvement in the old horizontal department (or vertical; hanging from a lamp; spinning on your head – really whatever you’re into). The problem is, it’s not like they teach seminars on this stuff…wait a minute, scratch that, I think they do, at least in theory. The real problem lies in the fact that theory only takes you so far. If you simply were not born with good rhythm, a deft hand, or ahem, control, then you have some work ahead of you.
And of course there is nothing worse than the night after an experience that failed to light up one's pinball machine, so to speak. When I was younger – as that’s usually when most of these incidents take place, cause of course now partner is a GOD (that's right honey, you da man) – one would have a debriefing with their girlfriends that would of course dissect the entire awful experience with a fine toothcomb in which we would scream, shudder and groan in horror – and not in a good way. [Yes, women do talk about everything].
You see, when it comes to bad sex and men the ones that are sub par in the bedroom department can be lumped into various categories: the jackhammer, the preemie, the fumbler, the over spastic, the 'I don’t have a freaking clue,' or the man that simply watched wayyy too much porn. I can’t speak for how women fail to impress (cause of course I’m a freaking rock star – please what else do you expect me to say), so I’ll let someone else take care of that.
The most amazing part about all this is that there is really no excuse anymore – I think those that fail to impress are simply too tired or lazy to hone their skills. The internet is rife with ‘how to’ just about everything; not to mention every man walking on two feet should know the erogenous zones – they’re not that many, come on don’t be pathetic; and the world is full of women who are perfectly willing to explain a few things. Just ask us, don’t worry, we’ll be blunt. For instance…NO, it’s NOT an elevator button, stop pushing it like the lift is broken.
You see that, that wasn’t so hard now was it.