Monday 28 March 2011


Can someone please explain to me the point of this whole single name thing? Apparently Lindsay Lohan has now decided to go solely by her first name - just good old Lindsay. Her mother recently alerted the media that the entire family was returning back to her maiden name, but Lindsay had decided that like Cher, Madonna, and Bono, she was far too cool for a last name. Cause Lindsay sounds so majestic, unique & commanding on its own apparently; curiously, from where I sit, I always thought that Lindsay was up there with Jenny in terms of it’s wow factor (no offense of course to the Jenny’s in the world).  Then again, saying all this, something tells me that in Lindsay’s case, she is actually hoping that people have no clue who they are referring to, as her last name has a boatload of baggage weighing it down.

I of course also love the fact that Mrs. Lohan, oh, sorry, Mrs. Maiden name, thought that this was so important in light of the recent global events that it deserved an announcement. Screw Japan, my daughter no longer has a last name, put that on your front page and smoke it!...Which of course I’m sure her daughter will do in due time.

The funny thing is, those people that usually go by one name are usually the nutballs in the Party Mix. The flamboyant, narcissistic, 'I am so damn peerless' that I don’t need a surname, and of course my first name sticks out so much that a last name just doesn’t sound phonetically pleasing. I mean, Madonna Johnson, I’m thinking she would not have taken the world by storm with that moniker.

The funny thing is, as a parent who spent nine months trying to come up with a name for my son that didn’t cause me to feel sick, get him beat up, or compel friends and neighbors to want to cut my tongue out, I would be quite annoyed if he suddenly wanted to axe his last name. Do you know how long we weighed first names against his surname to make sure they sounded good? I loved the name Roman, but Roman Pope? You see the thought that goes into these things; it’s like a complex mathematical problem.

And don’t you know that Prince is out there somewhere thinking, oh people, how uninspired and trite are you one-namers, ‘I’m so above you, I went for a symbol and called it a day. Get with the program.’ So, my advice to Lindsay, aside from move to Iowa, get out of the business and take up gardening, is to change her name altogether; get people really talking. Something memorable that really rolls off the tongue like, …Fireball! Or…Jazzabelle! Or maybe something avant-garde and hip like ‘ThatsRyte.’ Make sure to spell it with a Y, people love that stuff.

I’m telling you, Lindz, I know these things; my son’s moniker is The King. Need I say more?

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