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Friday 29 October 2010

STICK YOUR HOT TOPIC


There is a news station in East Texas that recently asked its viewers to call in and discuss the hot topic of the day. Their intellectual, resonant question of the day – will homosexuality be the downfall of America? It is astounding to me that in 2010 we are still wading through this quagmire of ignorance and idiocy. How about this for a hot topic – why are East Texans still so incredibly unintelligent and shortsighted? 

Okay East Texas, this one is for you.

Firstly, why is everyone acting like homosexuality is some new ‘affliction’ as opposed to what it is, a sexual orientation that dates back as far as ancient Greece. And one would think that since then we have evolved; sadly, it appears that we are going backwards. The ancient Greeks did not look at sexual orientation as a ‘social identifier,’ as we have done for the past decades. Sexual desire was desire, plain and simple, no matter whom it was directed at, and in my opinion, that’s the way it should be. If Susie floats your boat on a Monday and Jeff on a Friday, who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to tell you which is more normal, acceptable or permissible. It’s your life, your bedroom and your desire – go forth and get funky. As usual, my new mantra fills in nicely here, eyes on your own paper, people!

So, I’ll tell you – in my humble opinion of course – what in fact will be the downfall of America: our refusal to look at our past prejudices and learn from them. If our atrocious history of enslaving other human beings didn’t spell out that differences are just different and we should not fear them or try to eliminate them, then I believe we are beyond help. I’d also like to know how on earth one’s sexual orientation is contributing to the erosion of society? Homosexuals – like heterosexuals – pay their taxes, have jobs, college degrees, drive cars, live in houses, raise children, kiss their mothers, vote, and breathe just like us. But I’m certainly not here to convince those who simply can’t wrap their head around another human making a different choice than themselves.

What I think East Texans should be worrying about a lot more is the amount of hatred and negativity that is spewed into the cosmos from idiots out there who still want to place people in boxes of what is deemed normal or abnormal. And trust me, I’m putting fifty bucks on the fact that the reporter himself who read this story on the air has enough skeletons in his ‘normal’ closet to dispel the notion that any of us are actually ‘normal’ anyway. My normal will always be my neighbor’s abnormal, and so on.

The other thing that amazes me – although does not surprise me – is that homosexuals are getting the wrap for just about every ill that plagues this country. Talk about heaping unjustified blame on the wrong group. How about this country is going to hell in a hand basket because people are uneducated and refuse to understand that there is a big wide world out there and we are not the only players. How about parents are no longer parenting their children, they are leaving it to computer games and television to do the dirty work. How about our media perpetuates ignorance, fear, and shortsightedness that lead humans to view other humans as the enemy....so East Texas, how about worrying about the important things life..like how to raise your IQs? Just sayin....

Wednesday 27 October 2010

THE PRETENDERS


I subscribe to the belief that if you are going to do a job, do it right and to the best of your ability. Otherwise, what is the point? You’re better off sitting on the sofa eating bon-bons letting someone else do the job for you. On this note, I was watching some show the other night where a ‘pop star’ was performing. I use that term not having a clue what it means anymore, as these days the qualifications to become one are getting more unimpressive by the second. It used to be that a ‘star’ held some sort of charisma or 'star quality' - hence the name - that bled from their pores like sunshine, coupled of course with a talent that surpassed the rest of us. Nowadays, not so much. It seems you can become a pop star in eight short weeks if Simon Cowell and the general public deems it so; and get this, you don’t have to even know how to sing.

So this pop star in question was all dressed up in some ridiculous outfit, or as I like to call it, ‘a distraction from the fact that I most likely won’t be able to carry a tune.’ And she took to the stage to perform her new single, and I suppose for some, she did perform it. The problem was, she wasn’t singing, not live anyway. What she was doing was miming to a pre-recorded track as she carried out a series of highly choreographed dance moves. So, in short, she was showing she could dance, somewhat anyway, but not sing live. Or period, as unless you can sing live, how do we really know what your abilities are? I’ve always had a real problem with miming (also referred to as lip syncing) as it not only means you are taking the easy way out, but the singer in question is not fulfilling their job requirements, i.e. actually SINGING. I mean, that is their one job, is it not? We’re not asking them to perform a root canal as they balance on one toe and fly an airplane. We’re asking them to show up, sing the song they’re wanting us to go out and purchase, and for that, I want to know they are at least capable of carrying out the task; especially as compared to the rest of the world, they are making an obscene amount of money.

Let’s be honest, singing is not even that complicated; some of our most famous ‘singers weren’t even about the voice, at least not in the technical sense. It was about the performance, the charisma and confidence that they could carry off just about any song handed to them. But these days it’s not about performing a song well, it’s solely about the packaging and what can be done in a studio; and do not kid yourself, everything can be done in a studio. You can make my incredibly tone deaf mother sound like Maria Callas.

The most pathetic part of all is that these days, when I do in fact see someone sing live, I am so impressed that they are doing it, I actually give them bonus points for getting through the song. And if they do it well, well hold the phone, I’m ready to have them canonized. Last year a singer was on the Grammys and her performance was so incredible that everyone stood up and gave her a five-minute standing ovation. Don’t get me wrong, it was incredible. But I think the audience was also applauding that she showed up and could actually do what most of the other ‘stars’ that evening could not do, which was get through a song live and sound good doing it. All I can say is I’m glad neurosurgeons and pilots don’t mime when they show up for work. Could you imagine? “Ladies and gentleman, I want to thank you for choosing Sub-Par airlines. I hope you have a safe flight, especially as I’m going to pretend to fly this plane for you. In fact, I’d suggest buckling up and holding on tight. Godspeed!”


Tuesday 26 October 2010

FASCISM HAS COME TO TOWN


There is a seaside town in Italy that is banning mini skirts and other revealing articles of clothing to improve ‘standards of public decency.’ The mayor of the town, Castellammare di Stabia, is attempting to use new powers put in place under Berlusconi to crack down on anti-social behavior. Apparently he feels that there is a link between wearing a mini-skirt and badly behaved individuals, and that this will increase civic harmony. Fine, perhaps Grandma will be more pleased if she doesn’t have to look at her overweight neighbor wearing ass crack jeans (actually me too), but what are those individuals deemed anti-social going to think when they are told they either have to dress like Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie or forget it. I can’t see them being any more cooperative with authority. And mind you, all this is occurring in a country that has had ex porn stars in their government. Ah the irony. 

Aside from all of this sounding incredibly fascist and alarming, I find it highly amusing that the powers that be think that if they simply outlaw certain articles of clothing they will change people’s behavior. Last time I checked, it wasn’t my jeans that made my poor decisions – when of course I made poor decisions, now I’m perfect - it was my brain and desire for mischief. What’s next then, lobotomies for all? Talk about putting a bandaid on a problem that needs further attention. In my opinion, kids are anti-social and badly behaved because of poor parenting, neglect and flat out boredom, not because they wear a hooded sweatshirt.

Other places near this town are contemplating banning sunbathing, playing football in public places, and blasphemy. Sunbathing?? Seriously, who the hell is in power, the dermatological association? Not to mention, if towns are contemplating making profane language illegal I’m doomed. The four letter word is a close and personal friend of mine. And for those of you that don’t use it, even in private, go on, try it. It feels SO good.

In other towns they have successfully banned sunbathing, kissing in cars, feeding stray cats, wooden clogs (I’m thinking purely cause they’re ugly) and the use of lawn mowers at weekends. Gosh, what about breathing? Or getting hopped up on soda? Or wearing your hair in pigtails if you’re over the age of fifteen. That’s mildly offensive, no?

If the world is leaning towards a police state – which I fear it is - here are a few things I’d like to ban: people who stop in the middle of the street without any warning so you ram into the back of them (I usually do this with my pram to give them that extra reminder that other people use the street too); people who say ridiculously revealing things on their cell phone while on public transport; people who say the word huge without pronouncing the H. Anyone who watches a Brendan Fraser movie and likes it. I mean seriously, if that’s not going to start a riot, I’m not sure what will. And of course there are the no brainers like people who can’t find France on a map and those that think Kofi Anan is something they order at Starbucks. That has to be illegal. Then again, I suppose what would be even worse is if they couldn’t identify world geography or political figures whilst wearing a mini-skirt. Now that’s just wrong.


Sunday 24 October 2010

TO KID OR NOT TO KID


There was a French author a few years back named Corrine Maier, who wrote a book that ruffled a lot of parental feathers. In short, she put forth her arguments as to why one should not have children or feel guilty about not enjoying the ones they have. Of course it kicked up a huge furor despite the fact that many of her arguments made pure logical sense if you could step back and take the emotion out of it (not an easy thing to do). Now now, don’t go thinking I’m going to sell the King for a brand new wardrobe…although I do need one as most of mine is now covered in spit-up. I love the kid and I don’t want my money back.

So looking at her arguments from this purely logical standpoint, one could see where she was coming from. For instance, kids rob you of sleep (for years apparently!), and your personal time; they put a huge strain on your relationship and the environment (the overpopulation issue); they can thwart a woman’s career or even end it for that matter; one’s body is never the same, and for some it is a huge financial burden that can be incredibly stressful. This author had 40 reasons I think; I’m sure most of you out there with children at one time or another thought of one or two yourselves as you traipsed to your kids room at 3am to get them to sleep for the 100th time, or picked up your two year old from the floor of the supermarket after he went apoplectic cause you said no to a certain type of cereal.

So as I love a good debate, it then got me thinking about why we have kids, especially as there are so many women that aren’t afraid to voice how truly hard it is. I like these women... As for the ones that pretend it’s all sunshine and rainbows, I’m not buying it. It’s okay ladies; you can admit you have down days and moments you want to sell your kids on the black market. No one is judging you. Well I’m not anyway.

So today in fact, when I was feeling sorry for myself, exclaiming that I had no time for myself anymore, it suddenly hit me. It’s not about me anymore. It’s not about me at all. Everything I used to do, know and think about my world is now different and that perhaps is a very good thing. And suddenly you understand the meaning of the word selfless, not to mention surrender. Two words I think more of us need to embrace…and it dawns on you that perhaps this is indeed the point. This is why we go through all this, aside from the biological drive to procreate and their ridiculously cute faces and personalities that look at the world in the most unique of ways. Perhaps the greatest human lesson of all is to learn to put others before ourselves, and do it a lot more often (and saying all this, of course those without children can be equally philanthropic and altruistic. In fact, often more so).

Cause with kids, you don’t get the choice. There is no day off, there is no maybe later, there is no more ‘I’ll do what I want when I feel like it.” [Unless you have others rearing your kids of course, and then I suppose one’s selfishness can remain in tact]. All the narcissism and self-obsession has to be checked curbside – at least until they go to school and then you can be narcissistic for a few hours until the bell rings!

With children you are also confronted with the universe’s sense of humor. The juxtaposition of a human’s need to control, and the rude reality that one cannot control much. [So this is why I’m so tired!] Children are the greatest reminders of this. You can try to control everything that happens from sunrise to sunset, and in some ways you may feel like you’re in control ('you’re having broccoli today damn it, not peas.' Ah victory!) but to a great extent, you just have to give in and accept that things are now operating in a totally different way – and it just may feel like flat out chaos. And that’s okay.

Good ol' Whitney Houston claims children are our future; Ah Whitney, she’s kind of like Yoda, isn’t she? I’m going to take a step further and say they’re not only our future but they’re a mirror into our past and present. They remind us what we were, how we got to this point, and how much idle f*cking around we did – and boy was it fun. And then they hold up a mirror into our present and force us to look at ourselves every single day – our disposition, our ability to operate under pressure, our outlook on life, our values. From the big to the small, suddenly your personality and choices in life are under a microscope and it is terrifying. I feel like the King is watching me and saying, mmm, you didn’t handle that so well mom, try again tomorrow. And here I thought I was the one who was going to teach the King all the lessons he needed to learn in life. Boy was I wrong.
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