There is nothing that can send my blood pressure from 0 to 60 faster than politics (obviously if my blood pressure were in these ranges I’d be dead, but you get the point). Okay, that’s not exactly true; overall human ignorance and stupidity are in hot contention for this prize, but politics for its sheer hypocritical pointlessness can send me round the bend pretty quickly.

I just read an article in which the intellectual giants of the news media postulated on why President Obama could not (and should not) be the ‘angry black man.’ Before I launch into my tirade – as you know I love to do – the mere fact the news media feels compelled to address this ‘issue’ (theirs, not mine) makes me a bit ill. But of course as much as we all pretend race is not a factor in this man’s presidency, it of course shall always be. SNORE. Rome was clearly not built in a day. In this case, it’s going on about 300 years of construction.

So, in short, there are critics – as there always are – who are saying that Obama is not showing enough anger when it comes to the epic disaster that is occurring in the gulf thanks to the idiots at BP (it has now been revealed that safety measures for the rig workers were not always enforced and the amount spilling into the ocean was much more than once reported; so in my book, they’re idiots). Fine, it was an ‘accident,’ but seriously if we’re going to have pipelines in the ocean should we not have some serious contingency plans in place for when screw ups like this happen? Anyway, these critics in America want to see Obama exhibit rage, hot blooded emotion…in short, they want him to momentarily lose his shit, throw his arms into the air and holler ‘damn you BP, you’re going to pay!’ as he dramatically grabs Rahm Emmanuel by the throat in an impromptu show of – whoever is standing next to me is going to feel my wrath!

Of course, the article is quick to counter that there are of course those on the opposing side of this argument that do NOT want to see Obama be the angry black man, in fact it would be detrimental to his presidency. They want the docile intellectual that went to the Ivy League school, the black man they can handle and not feel threatened by, you know, the black man with no baggage. Seriously, I feel ill even writing this. And furthermore, if they had seen the black man with anger issues and bitterness that even hinted that he harbored resentment at the history of his ancestors, well he wouldn’t have gotten their vote. Cause gosh, god forbid the man has emotions and feelings about being a black man in America – a society that wants to essentially erase its egregious wrongdoings in history.

How about, our President, no matter what bloody color he is, should keep a clear head no matter what the issue. How about, if our President lost his shit over every issue, I’d worry the man or woman was unstable and wouldn't want him leading our country! And moreover, whether he gets angry, or does not get angry, he’s still going to make someone else very angry somewhere around the world…..Are you confused – yet highly amused yet?? In short, unless he walked around like Jekyll and Hyde on crack bouncing from emotion to emotion, it does not seem anyone is satisfied.

But this is the joy and lunacy of politics; there are simply too many people to please. Over on this side of the world, the Brits are complaining that Obama has come down too hard on BP  – which in their eyes reflects on Britain of course - and well, how bloody dare he tarnish the name of a company that has ruined our oceans. [In short, get angry, but not THAT angry, and certainly beware of where you direct it!]. "It’s bad economics; it was an accident they cry! Leave poor behemoth BP alone!!"…..Spare me. Oil companies are the last places I’m putting my sympathy, and those pensioners they’re trotting out for public sympathy would be the first sold and drained of all their money – by those in power of course - if it was a different situation. More importantly, I’ve yet to hear who should get the blame in all this from those trying to deflect the blame from BP. How about we start there?! Wait, why don't we ask the fish choking on globs of oil who they want to blame, they might have something useful to say?

And herein lies the irony – politics by definition (mine anyway) means you can’t please everyone, in fact, you can just give up cause there will always be a corner of wankers - oops, sorry; I meant to say pundits and opposing party members - who gripe and moan and say that whoever is in power is doing an awful job and should be acting instead as they would in the same situation – cause they are such paradigms of moral rectitude and knowledge. You see what I mean, utterly pointless.

Guess that’s the joy of being a normal, everyday citizen. I can get angry – or not – and no one really cares. Well my partner thinks it’s kind of amusing – and at times exhausting - when I get all riled up.

I think Mel Brooks had it all wrong. It kind of sucks to be the king.

It was reported in the news yesterday that one of the two gay men who were recently imprisoned in Malawi and sentenced to 14 years for "gross indecency and unnatural acts" – we’ll get to that in a minute – is now dating a woman. 

GEE; You don’t say?! I'm surprised after what he and his ex partner went through he didn't cut off his unit and retire from dating altogether. Poor man has been scarred for life for simply trying to be who he is – not to mention outed across the entire world and deemed a deviant to all his surrounding villagers, of course he's decided to switch teams! I can hear the wheels in his head churning from here. ‘Hmmm, in these parts, loving a man will get me 14 years in the cold hard slammer and ostracized from all that I know and love, not to mention I'll probably get killed in my sleep upon my release…..DAYUM that woman looks fine! Hey baby what’s your number?’

It’s downright absurd that in today's day and age people are still getting arrested for loving (or merely dating) what society deems as the ‘wrong’ sort of person. Clearly the civil rights movement did not teach us anything. No surprise there, we are achingly slow learners. And to make it all the more despicable, in some countries it’s not only wrong and repugnant, it’s deemed unnatural and indecent. Let’s put it in perspective people, fancying a sheep or cow is unnatural and indecent – if the sheep can’t consent it should not be happening – loving another human no matter what sex he/she is, is just that, an act of love. Yes, I shall say it again for the cheap seats, love is love, I don’t care what color, creed or package it comes in. Get over it (and if you’re one of those that says the bible says this or that, my response to you is that the bible says a lot of things that can be interpreted in a variety of ways. It also says some preposterous things that have no place in modern day society. Sorry to be brutal, but it’s true).

The ironic thing is, society at large doesn’t seem to care about my dating history when I picked my fair share of total losers in my past. They were fine with me dating the lazy who refused to work, the ones in need of serious anger management, the flat out A-holes who didn’t deserve love in any fashion. Hell, you’re allowed to date serial killers and rapists in prison ("he was just so kind in his letters." seriously?!)…but if I were to date a woman, then society has a problem with it, or in short, I am outside of the 'norm.' (I say Amen to that!) 

And don't kid yourself, I am not just talking about Malawi, as we know full well that Western countries may look evolved, but here we are still fighting the good fight to get everyone’s rights recognized. America may feign acceptance and tune into Ellen Degeneres (on TV) and tell themselves proudly, 'Look Ma, I can embrace ‘those homosexuals; this one's even funny!' but when it comes right down to it, they are the first to put up roadblocks when it comes to recognizing equal rights.

The thing that gets me is the overt fascism in the stance of the government and all those opposed (why not make it a huge umbrella). Yeah, I just used the F word. In short, 'WE as your government can tell you that the person you’ve picked out as your partner we will refuse to recognize as your legal partner – and all that this entails. But please, remember to pay your taxes.' If I were gay I’d be mailing my tax check in a Molotov cocktail - this is for sure going to get me on some sort of watch list I can just feel it! 

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame the poor man in Malawi - he's merely trying to survive in a very conservative and closeminded society; And to that, good luck with women sir, I can't say the ride is going to be much easier, we can certainly be a handful. But I will and can happily blame the rest of you out there who can't open their eyes and see that discrimination wears a variety of coats and they're all ugly as hell. Time to go shopping people.  

As I said, I am a woman of fairness. So in a follow-up to yesterday’s blog about women’s complaints about men, I shall flip over to the other side and give the men their fair due. I’m not saying this is going to be easy, as I’m a woman and I of course have an answer for everything in defense of our mighty gender, but I shall give it my best shot.

So numero uno complaint amongst men when it comes to dealing with women in relationships (and granted, I’m no scientist/sociologist, so I did not stand out on the street polling men) is that women nag…or as so many of my male friends so kindly put it, ‘they moan, pick, go on and on, get on my back, and obsess about stupid crap that is never that important.’ Okay then (deep breath, and button your lip Anka). Fine, I shall admit that as a whole, our gender probably does nag much more than men. In fact, I will go as far to say that many women do ‘ride’ their men – out of the gutter please – on a variety of issues that obviously vary from household to household: hygiene, housecleaning, ambition, dress sense, their overall stupid and selfish behavior that gets in the way of day to day living. Oh, OOPS, sorry. J What I meant to say is that women are usually the ones running the house, the day to day operating of things, and this takes time, effort and organization; and often men and women’s idea of what is important and how and when to get things done, differs greatly. Of course the little women voice inside my head is screaming, well if men were just to listen more, half of what we nag about would fall by the wayside. But of course, I’m trying to be fair here.

I think the compulsion of many women is to try and change men; or at least mold them into a cleaner, more organized and well dressed version of themselves. I mean, gosh, can you blame us? And as many a woman can tell you, you may be able to tweak a few things here or there and buy him a few new items of clothing, but you are never ever changing a man’s deeply ingrained habits. But I suppose that goes both ways. As much as I want to be a relaxed, easy going 'I don't care if there is laundry piling up on the floor' kind of girl, it's just not going to happen.

Another complaint that crops a lot from men is that, and I quote, "women are crazy." [I didn’t say it was going to be pretty]. Or shall we say, hormonal, neurotic, and irrational. As my male friend so aptly puts it, if you have a…well, let’s call it a va-jayjay, you’re going to be nuts. Fine. I’m woman enough to admit that my female hormones are some powerful beasts, and when they are on all cylinders firing, things can get a bit tricky. Unfortunately for women, irrationality and neurosis – at least once a month -  is just par for the course.  But of course in our defense – as I just can’t help myself – you men try having woman parts and all that it comes with, you guys wouldn’t last a day. In fact, there would be federally funded national studies on how to combat things like PMS, menopause, endomitriosis, post partum depression etc. So go easy on us….or else we’ll cut up all your clothes while you’re sleeping and shave your eyebrows off in a hormonal rage. I KID, I kid.

The last complaint – [as well, men are simple and when I asked for general complaints most men looked at me with a blank stare and just muttered, ‘I don’t know, I can’t think of anything.’ I suppose that’s not such a bad thing – I shall take that as a confirmation that overall they think we are near perfect].

Sorry, I digress; so the last complaint is that women like to over talk everything, and apparently we like to do this at all the wrong times, i.e. when they’re not in the mood, or it’s the middle of the night or a sports game  is on and we of course and want to breakdown the relationship with a fine tooth comb (there are of course exceptions to this as some woman are the shy, non-confrontational types who would be just as keen as to ignore everything). Okay, fine, I’ll give you guys this. Women are more demonstrative, no surprise there, and yes, we like to have answers to pretty much everything, especially if it concerns our future. Men as I’ve said before, are much simpler. They’re happy to simply know what they’re having for lunch. But women on the other hand, we want to know about our plans for the week, the month, damn it, we want to know where we are heading for the entire year so we can plan accordingly. I can imagine this could be incredibly frustrating for the men in our lives, and I know when it comes to my partner and I, I can certainly get carried away. But in our defense – once again! – if men were to give us a crumb now as to where the ship was headed and do this willingly, I assure you, we’d go away quietly and stop pressing the issue (I swear, we would!). Women just need a bit of reassurance and a few moments of attentive listening, and trust me, the rest of the time we can fill in the blanks. In fact, we prefer it this way.

The irony of all this is it’s so easy to say, well if men just did this, women would do this, and vice versa. And in some cases, I do believe that many a problem could be solved by reminding ourselves more that it's not a personal thing, men just don't listen. And for men, women's emotions may flare, but they too shall always pass. But I suppose, overall, there is no easy answer to the age old conundrum of harmonious cohabitation between men and women...well, other than VERY big houses.

I am fascinated by gender differences in men and women. I suppose because barring the exceptions, for the most part they are true to form in such a way that it is amazing we are still surprised by them. You hear it all the time when a group of men or women get together. Those universal similarities that plague every single relationship, rich or poor, black or white…stick a man and a woman in a house and have them live together and you’re going to get some running themes in terms of complaints. And here we pride ourselves on being such individuals.

Today’s blog I shall concentrate on some of the most common complaints women have for their male partners, we’ll start with the men cause, well, I’m steering this ship J Don’t worry, I’m more than fair and shall return tomorrow with women’s pitfalls (I fear it will be a short blog however).

The one complaint I most hear from my girlfriends…men don’t listen. This one is the Mac-daddy of all complaints as it casts such a wide umbrella. In truth, they don’t, let’s be real here. They often walk around like semi-conscious robots deeply absorbed in that one thing that is obsessing them – cause as we know they are NOT multi-taskers so it is ONLY one thing I assure you - and this one thing has nothing to do with doing laundry, or dinner plans with the neighbors, or what to do about Jimmy’s latest bout of biting other kids at the play group. Most likely it’s work, gadget, or sports related and to let anything else in is just not going to happen. Plus they figure, why should I listen to her tell me about something that doesn’t pertain to me at this very moment. I can just ask her later to repeat herself - again, and again, and yet again. I secretly think men have the best thing going with their whole Ayn Rand ‘I am an island routine.’ Lucky bastards.

My other favorite complaint is that men don’t know how to look for things. For me, this ties in with the fact that they don’t listen and they know that women (most women) are human organizers with vacuums nozzles attached to their hands that will come along and put their lives in order. [I blame us for letting this happen?!] That bottle of mustard they are looking for in the fridge could be spewing flames and hurling obscenities at them in Japanese with its giant mustard mouth, and they will still miss it. This situation has now become a highly amusing sport in our house – for me anyway. My partner will come in and ask ‘where did I put his such and such.’ I will smile and tell him it’s where it always is, and of course say nothing more – this behavior on my part took a few years to learn. He’ll then look at me with that, ‘do I push this?’ look, and then sheepishly walk out of the room. I will then hear him in the other room looking for the item – usually in the wrong place – trying to contain his frustration as he mutters under his breath that I move everything of his and it’s just not here! Sometimes I let him off the hook and lead him to where it is – of course in the same damn place it always is right in front of his face!! Other times, I turn the page of my book, smile and tell myself that getting up would take up far too much of my precious energy and the man must learn to find things on his own.

The other gender difference I find fascinating is men absolutely suck at facial recognition. Again, this ties in with them not paying attention – you see the glaring trend!!! It’s just too easy. I am always amazed that the FBI is run by all men because this lack of ability on their part is again, very universal. If I let my partner try to track down a serial killer based on the suspect’s facial features, half the city would be guilty. I first noticed this trait in him when he’d meet a member of my family. After spending a good amount of time with them, we’d leave, and for the following week, everyone we’d see he would think looked like my sister’s husband, or my cousin etc. I mean everyone: women, men, dogs, you name it. He also does this after watching too much TV. Suddenly we’re at the market and every other man looks like the main character from his favorite show. It has become a joke between us now, and thankfully he’s getting a bit better – I of course will take all the credit for this. Now when he successfully identifies someone’s remote twin, it’s as if he has won a prize at the fair.

The runner-ups in the complaint department from my female friends: men aren’t big on empathy (I figure biologically they’re hunters, hunters don’t have time to feel for the grieving), they have no intuitive skills (the baby can be screaming in its high chair, the toaster can be emitting sparks, and they’ll come in, and instead of lending a hand cause they see you need it, they’ll ask where their favorite tie is). In my opinion, this one comes down to training. It’s repetitive and boring, but like a dog, they can be taught; the final runner up: men laugh at stupid shit. They do. It’s quite scary actually, but it does explain why certain films rule at the box office and why when you get a few men in the same room, the intelligence level falls through the floor. My advice, when his friends are coming over, don’t even try to play host, grab your purse and get the hell out of there.

In saying all of the above, there are of course exceptions to the rule, but not many let’s be honest. If there was a man who listened, could find things on the first try and quietly wept whilst watching the news, trust me it would make the headlines of every paper. And to be honest, I think the mere existence of this man would send women round the world into shock and greatly upset the balance of the universe. And herein lies the irony, we want men to be men, but with this comes the usual complaints that they’re, well, too different than ourselves. You’d think at some point we’d surrender to all these differences between us and figure out how to live in harmony. But then that would just be dull, now wouldn’t it.

Onto the mightier sex tomorrow…stay tuned…..