I was passing by the park the other day and overheard two 5 year-olds talking. A little boy was saying to a little girl: “I don’t know if I should accept your apology. Cause if you don’t mean it, and I’ve accepted it, then you could just turn around and do the same thing again, and then I’ve said sorry. So I’m going to have to think about it.” I thought this was pretty genius/hysterical reasoning, especially for a five year old. The little girl looked utterly confused and surprised that her actions were being taken so seriously.

Kids crack me up to no end, and as I’ve said before, I’ve spent a great amount of time with them be it being around my nieces and nephews (who are of course all amazing – I’m biased but they truly are) or looking after kids over the years. And actually, I think I prefer most kids to adults: they're smart, they have no baggage, and they see the world in that untainted unique way that only kids can. It quickly becomes apparent that all the clichés are pretty much true: they’re amazing, loveable, charming, challenging, maddening, and will of course come out with statements that are pure gems just as you’re considering selling them at the local market (you know, on those tough days).

I recently broke the news to this little boy that I looked after for several years that I was expecting a baby. This wasn’t easy as he was always my main man, and didn’t he know it. He used to greet me at the door stark naked with a nonchalant look and a slight nod (he was a cool customer) and then summon me to go play computer games with him. Just like a man. So anyway, after trying to explain there was a child in my stomach, he looked at me very skeptically and proclaimed that if indeed there were a person in my stomach I would’ve told him sometime ago that I had eaten a baby…point taken.

The other thing about children that always astounds me is how smart they are, so much smarter than we ever give them credit for. And trust me, they understand everything. A friend of mine has an 18 month old that has a vocabulary that rivals most adults. I’m not kidding you. He’ll throw out two/three syllable words like they’re nothing and you’re left staring at him in utter awe. I then attempted to read one of his favorite animal books to him. He proceeded to point out and say everyone animal in there. And I’m not talking about giraffes and lions, I’m talking about the rare and complicated animals like the marmot, hairy-nosed wombat, or you know, the tamaraw….the what??

Then of course there is the charm. My one-year old nephew already knows how to work a situation to his advantage. He’ll give you this look as if to say, I know I’m going to win this battle, and then smile, bat his eyelashes and throw his head back gently as if to say, ‘but please, go ahead and try to go against me.’ Then of course just as you’re losing your patience, he’ll come and plant an open mouthed wet kiss on your face and you can’t help but swoon.

My other nephew, who is 9, is this great mix of rambunctious boy and adorable sensitivity that I hope beyond hope that he holds onto. He asks how my day was, was my flight enjoyable, and then out of nowhere, he’ll place his hands on my face and tell me he loves me. I tell you, I’m putty in this boy’s hands. He’s also a little Casanova at school. At one point he was juggling two girlfriends, but explained that he had to get rid of one cause she talked too much. The man only has so much time for chit-chat apparently.

The other thing that amuses me to no end is when kids discover – and attempt - the art of negotiation. I am quickly brought back to the days when I did the exact same thing myself. And now watching from the other side, suddenly I’m compelled to pick up the phone and apologize to my mother profusely. My niece is on the cusp of teenage hood and all that it entails. I was present to witness her latest campaign for high heels (I’m talking millimeters here) – and it was an all out assault of protestations, in depth reasoning, and then of course flat out begging. When that failed, and she was only allowed a certain miniscule height on a sensible shoe, her mother was deemed an ogre who is so unfair and never says yes to anything. Oh the injustice!! My sister and I look at each other and struggle to contain our laughter as we both have mutual flashbacks of our surly teenage selves telling our mother the same exact thing over god knows what.

I think this is the truly the beauty and irony of life. What goes around comes around, and if you think you can avoid it when you become a parent, forget it, it’s coming whether you like it or not. I can only brace myself to think what I’m in for with the little man inside of me – cause if he’s anything like I was as a teen, I’m in real trouble. For now, I shall practice all my stock phrases in preparation, you know the ones: ‘cause I’m your mother; because I said so; no means no; if you ask one more time, you can just forget it.’

I think I can almost hear my mother laughing all the way from California.

Sometimes things are served up to smash out of the park in such a way that you just can’t resist doing so. Today let’s just say that Jesse James (of Monster Garage fame, and Sandra Bullock infamy) is my pitcher, and I am up at bat like A-Rod, ready to smack the sh*t out of the ball.

On Tuesday, JJ – let’s give him a nickname for simplicity sake shall we - gave an interview on Nightline and said he was abused as a child. This was in between tears and profuse mea culpas for his infidelities – and you know how I love public acts of contrition. Anyway, in short – due to his stay in rehab (it’s beginning to feel like paint by numbers isn't it? Cheat. Rehab. Interview. People magazine cover), he learned that abuse victims push away those whom they love and that are good to them, cause they are convinced they are going to leave them anyways. In short, ‘I’m not good enough, and even though I’ve married this amazing woman who professes her undying love for me, I’m going to treat her like crap and shag tattooed laden hookers, cause well I feel bad about myself.’ Well thank god he found a justifiable reason for his behavior. Phfffewww, that’s a load off. I suppose my first question out of many is did he always feel badly about himself? Or just when he got caught? Cause according to half the floozies he was shagging, he wasn’t feeling too badly when they were playing naked twister in his office.

Okay, so this in some people’s eyes is a slippery slope. I will give a ton of room to those that have been abused, physically or mentally. I can’t imagine anything worse than a childhood that has been ruined at another’s hand, and I’m sure it colors just about everything you do. THAT said, I do also think there comes a point where ones journey into adulthood means that it is time to accept culpability for one’s actions - no excuses, no pinning it on childhood traumas. And don't get me wrong, I think everyone gets a reprieve in their twenties to act like idiots, and work out their demons, that's more than fair, but then it's game on! There are plenty of very screwed up individuals with screwed up childhoods who hold themselves accountable for their own actions and realize they can only let their past dictate what they do for so long. In fact, there are even more people who use those experiences to not only find out who they are, but realize that actions have reactions – and they are not about to start inflicting this pain on others. I suppose you could say JJ is doing this now, but somehow I'm just not buying it.

The problem is, I think people like ol’ JJ are using the abuse excuse to do just that, excuse themselves – sorry but you lost my trust with your explicit sex texts (seriously people, PUT DOWN the phone!)  – when for many it is truly a horrendous cross to bear. I think for him it is a matter of convenience. “I screwed up. I got publicly nailed after of course humiliating another and now, well now I’m really sorry but it’s not actually my fault. It’s my Dad’s. That A-hole!” 

Could you imagine if everyone got to fall back on childhood issues and experiences to explain away their flaws and screw-ups? Actually, wait a minute, I think many people try to. “It wasn’t me that slept with that male prostitute, my neglectful father (and of course the devil) made me do it.” “I slept with your best friend cause I never felt love by my mom.” And the ironic part is, the ones who really stepped out of a sheer living hell are the ones who rarely sing about it. They just get on with it, and work on not letting the patterns repeat themselves. And for that, they get my utmost admiration. We all have baggage, I wholeheartedly accept this, but at some point that baggage has got to be left curbside or else no one would be held accountable for anything, our pasts would.

So JJ, a little word of advice: admit it, you weren’t feeling that bad when you were cheating on your wife. Cause if you were, the old conscience would’ve kicked in (if you had one) and you would’ve stopped doing it. You thought it was fun; two-dollar hookers are your thing and that’s okay. Own it, you’re the Vanilla Gorilla, and clearly you do not belong in the suburbs, so stop pretending that you do. 

There was a man, James Bain, who was recently released from prison after 35 years for wrongful imprisonment. I love the euphemism for that one. ‘Wrongful imprisonment.’ Ummm, how about “outrageously hideous imprisonment.” Or “I was totally and utterly screwed and raped of my entire life imprisonment.” You know, something with a bit more truthful pizzazz to it. Sorry, but I think it’s the least they could do.

Anyway, last December a judge overturned Bain’s 1974 rape conviction after DNA testing proved he did not commit the crime. The most astounding part, which is hard to even identify which bit that is as he has spent more than half his life behind bars for a crime he did not commit, is that he is beaming with happiness. And I’m not just talking about joy at being released from prison. There appears to be no bitterness in sight. In fact, he seems downright giddy at all the things that lay in front of him that he wants to partake in: getting his driver’s license, going back to school, driving across country on his motorcycle. Okay, fine, I get the excitement at the opportunities that lay ahead of him, I really do, but no bitterness?? Not even a one-finger salute at the guards when he walked out? He said it was the little things that he missed the most, ‘an orange or grapefruit tree.’ The little things?! How about the one big glaring thing called freedom?! That’s for starters what I would miss. This man is far too good for this earth.

Seriously, I am in utter awe and admiration, simply because I fear that I would be so steeped in bitterness my head would explode. Mr. Bain goes onto say that he feels like he is entering a society that is in a much better place, specifically as there is now a black man in the White House. If this man isn’t a beacon of positivity, I’m not sure who is. I’d be focusing on the fact that this wonderful society of ours is the one that at the time of his crime, clearly put color before the facts in the case and locked him away.

He knows what he lost, [mainly his entire youth!] but he says that all the support that people gave him over the years filled him with such hope and love, he was able to survive. Here’s the thing, for starters, I’m claustrophobic to the point of amusement (to others, not me); jail for me would be a living hell on earth. In fact, I used to have jail dreams when I was little. I know I know, a psychiatrist would have a field day with that one. I used to dream I accidentally committed a crime, or was falsely accused and I was sent away to some hardcore prison to be locked up forever. Don’t ASK. For me, the mere thought of never stepping outside the prison walls, of being told what to do, eat, what time to sleep, well, I would’ve buckled under that system after a day. I even went so far within these dreams as to have my sisters sneak in poison of some sort in you know, a bran muffin, or cake (or my top meal of choice, but of course) so I could officially check out! I know, cowardly, but I can accept my weaknesses.

Furthermore, how do you justify to yourself when something like this happens? “Life sucks…for me especially! Life is not fair?” You certainly can’t cling to the old adage that everything happens for a reason, cause honestly, there is no reason on earth that could explain a turn of events like incarceration for life. That is where you lose me on the whole metaphysical argument. I read an interview once with Keanu Reeves after they asked him about his sister’s leukemia, and the loss of his first and only child, and he said, ‘Everything does not happen for a reason. It just happens.’ I have to say, in this case, I couldn’t agree more, the man is freaking’ Yoda.

Perhaps for James Bain, $1.75 million (the amount he is said to be receiving) will ease the pain a bit. But if it were me, I’d invoice the bastards for a hell of a lot more than that. So James, I am using your story for good – (don’t even try telling me the reason for his incarceration is the inspiration of others!) and the next time I feel like playing the martyr, or I utter the words ‘but life is so unfair’ I will literally contemplate chewing my tongue off in your honor.