Wednesday 8 December 2010


Apparently female bodyguards are now in demand in jolly old England. Actually here they are referred to as Close Protection Officers. I guess the term ‘bodyguard’ is too uncouthly descriptive. David Cameron – the Prime Minister for those of you that live in caves – and Kate Middleton – Prince Will’s gal – have both recently hired female CPOs. The thought is that female officers are more apt to blend in and be low profile in their efforts than say a 300 pound walking building that often accompanies Britney Spears and the like.

Here is where they have me a bit confused. If I see David Cameron walking down the street, I’m going to bet the house that he has a heavy-duty security detail with him..above him, hell, IN him if they could figure that one out. Why they are attempting to make his detail low profile when the Prime Minister is anything BUT low profile seems to defeat the purpose. If it were me, and I were the Prime Minister, I’d want the biggest human Humvees I could find, just so that the world knew who they were messing with; yeah bitches, they’re with me, just try and take me down! 

I suppose having women in these positions could prove to be quite effective. I’m thinking they should only hire women in mid cycle – a cliché I realize, but one for a reason, hormones are a very powerful thing. If someone cuts in front of me in line at the grocery store mid cycle, I’m taking their ass down town. And don’t you know I could (tell ‘em honey). I remember as a child my father showed me the designated ‘areas’ to go for if a man ever attacked me - the nuts and the eyes; of course he said this with Tarantino-esque vehemence, ‘you kick them in the cojones baby with everything that you’ve got, you hear me?!’ I once practiced on some poor guy at school just to see what the fuss was all about. The staggering tortured look on his face told me this was only to be used in extreme emergencies. [Sorry Brandon!]

And of course the clandestine nature of a female CPO could indeed be even more effective than a man purely due to the surprise factor. Imagine some high heeled, heavily made up, unsuspecting debutante trailing a public figure. Everyone assumes she is arm candy, or a cousin thrice removed (they’re always cousins, aren’t they?) and then suddenly someone makes a wrong move, and WHAMMO, her Louboutin makes direct contact with the suspect’s eye socket then ends up sticking out of his forehead like in some Wes Craven movie. And you thought these shoes just looked smoking hot! Take that suckas!

That said, there are also women out there who, well, how do I say this kindly, are just as effective at protecting men cause they look like men. There are a few on my exercise DVD in fact – it took me a few weeks to actually work out that they were women, I've simply never seen women do military pushups like that (I certainly CAN'T). You know the types, over six feet tall, Madonna arms, thighs the size of tree trunks. Even their voices are low and menacing; so when they tell me to do an extra set of sit-ups, trust me, I listen. Give these women a gun, and I’m thinking David Cameron has nothing at all to worry about. 
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