Sunday 5 September 2010


If this latest invention isn’t indicative of our times, I’m not sure what is. Surgeons have created an internal, and hence, invisible mesh bra that goes under the skin to give you a lift without wearing a bra. I wasn’t aware that we needed one of these, but apparently, we have become so utterly lazy, that putting a bra on takes too much time. Fine, I’m not saying bras are the most comfortable things ever invented; they’re not, but something permanently under my skin?? What’s next, internal underwear? (Not sure how those would work, but I'm sure they'll try).

So, for the insane with hideous amounts of superfluous money - six thousand pounds to be exact (about 10 grand), one can have this mesh apparatus attached to a layer of fat above the breast tissue. Apparently this…thing, for lack of a better term, supports the breast tissue in its new position and keeps one’s boobs from drooping. I’m thinking this one should be categorized in the department of things that sound deranged on paper, AND in real life. In fact, the amount of things we’re now considering putting inside our bodies gives me the creeps. Imagine an alien finding a human body in twenty years time? It will probably be made up of plastic, mesh, steel, hooks, pulleys and hell, throw in some velcro while you’re at it. Actually, the King is kicking my ass at the moment; I could use some velcro on my forehead to tack up my eyelids. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not thrilled with what gravity is going to do to me. Ahem, I shall rephrase; what it has already done to me and is continuing to do. But undergoing surgery for an internal bra seems like an absurd - and expensive - way to avert the aging process. Then again, so does sticking big bags of silicone in there to look like Dolly Parton. No offense to those that have undergone this procedure; it's not for me and never seemed like a smart thing to do.

I say, to hell with looking perfectly pert and plucked; it's time to enact a revolution. If it took us this long to define how one should look in their later years – and I shall emphasize should – perhaps it is far time to push it the other way. Let’s make drooping boobs hip! Think about it, neck waddles and wrinkles could be en vogue. “Did you see her face, it looked like a road map; god she’s so damn lucky.” I’m of course talking about women here cause men are allowed to look ‘distinguished,’ while we are just deemed old. Wouldn’t it be so refreshing if suddenly aging was accepted and here’s a shocker, embraced. People often say they’re proud of their lines and imperfections, but somehow you just don’t believe them (okay, there are a few exceptions to this. French women make everything look good). But if all of society embraced the wrinkle revolution, I’m telling you, we’d be onto something.

So to the hell with it, I’m starting on my own. From now on, the ‘sisters’ are going commando. And when they hit the ground and people are staring in horror, I’m going to tell them that I’m a revolutionary way ahead of my time.
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