Tuesday 24 August 2010


What would life be without news headlines? Scratch that. What would my blogging life be without the daily barrage of the inane to the insane knocking on my door? The latest headline to catch my eye?…“The crazy things stars do for love.” Oh you just know this is going to be good. [And yes, I’m not reaching high on the intellectual ladder today as my brain is as high functioning at the moment as a bowl of oatmeal]. The fun thing about this topic is that celebrities never fail to entertain. However, this is certainly not intentional on their parts.

Why is it that in such a transient universe such as theirs, they fool themselves into thinking things are long lasting? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying they’re not capable, many have proven that they are. Okay, a few. But when people are marrying after four months, or four days in some case, I’m not going to call my bookie to bet on them lasting longer than the year. [I don’t have a bookie, I’ve just always wanted to say that]. The best are the on camera protestations that this person is the light of their life, their soulmate that will journey with them until they are coffin bound. Cut to a week later and it all goes tits up and they're forced to learn the hard way to glue their mouths shut.

Then there are the overt and outrageous displays of affection outside of the interview forum. The vials of blood around each others necks (that went the distance, eh), or the exclamations of wild animalistic sex; and if that isn’t good enough to prove how crazeeee in love they are, they take it one step further and move to the permanent gestures. Call me cynical, but tattooing people’s names on one’s body, or shaving their initials into one’s scalp as some moron from one of the many (TOO many) reality shows out there just did, well it doesn’t seem…prudent. Okay the hair will grow back, but altering a tattoo that says ‘so and so’ forever ‘is going to be expensive and painful as hell. And really, forever?? Did it ever pass through one’s mind that forever is a term up there with perfect? It’s really hard to get there, folks. I mean really hard. And one drunken weekend high on Viagra and red bull doth not make an everlasting union. Okay, I have no proof that this is what goes on, but it sounds fitting, doesn’t it?

Didn’t anyone learn from Pamela Lee Anderson and Tommy Lee? I know I have learned volumes from watching their relationship unfold over the years. Like for example, marrying someone after knowing them for a few hours is probably not the best way to start a marriage or please my mother. Also, getting married in solely a g-string bikini does not send a dignified message to the in-laws that I am of good stock; I know that much.

I’m trying to think of the craziest thing I’ve done for love - cause yes, us civilians also do some crazy sh*t in the name of our hearts…I suppose giving up my dog and moving across the world would be considered crazy in some people’s eyes. At the time it seemed like the only course of action and in my defense, I found my dog a really good home and I’m still living here. So something about the decision proved wise. Or I used to bike across London for miles at 2 or 3 in the morning, sometimes in the driving rain, just to see my partner. And of course I made it look like it was something I did all the time. 'Oh, yeah, sure, I'm always out at this time on the ol' bicycle.' Then there was the time I tattooed ‘Foxy Frank’s Forever,’ across my chest in big black calligraphy lettering.

Just kidding. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

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