Wednesday 25 August 2010


There is a new procedure – for lack of a better way to describe it – called vattooing. It is, brace yourself, the temporary tattooing of your…well, vajayjay. I’m sorry; I don’t know a polite universal term for this... Privates. Does that clear it up for those in the cheap seats? Essentially, for a fee – which I hope is nominal – you can have your nether regions tattooed with a henna like substance that disappears in about seven days.

I’m thinking you're wondering exactly what I was wondering the first time I heard this. Why the *(#)@#&$ would I want to tattoo down there, let alone for seven days. And more importantly, who is doing this, and where did they get all the superfluous funds? Talk about having money to burn and time on your hands. “Hey Susie, what should we do today?” “I don’t know, get our nails done?” “Nah, too mainstream.” “I know, let’s get someone to draw on our coochies!” Mmmm, not on my to do list any time soon.

More importantly, what would someone put on there? The name of the person they’re shacking up with, just to make him feel real special? Or cartoon characters to be zany and fun? I’m thinking if you’re married or in a domestic situation you may as well be practical and put a phone message on there or at least the grocery list. “Oh that’s right, your Mom called. Sorry sweetheart.” The program I was watching when I learned about this new pioneering form of body art (please know I am being sarcastic)  the girl had a spider web put down there. Why, because and I quote, ‘it has been a long time since anyone has been down there.’ Okay, great, thanks for sharing. I can’t wait to see how she explains this to the next person she gets intimate with.

And wait, it gets worse. As if vattooing wasn’t bad enough, there is also vajazzling. I swear I’m not making this up. Apparently this is where you glue crystals and glitter down there to make it more aesthetically pleasing. Um, okay, words fail me at this present time. Is this even hygienic? It’s not a flipping art project; leave it alone for the love of ice cream!

I’m thinking we are either running out of beauty treatments to invent or people are ridiculously bored. What’s next, or do I dare even ask?? Then again, saying all of this, I have a tattoo below on my lower stomach. It hurt like hell, cost a lot, and it’s never coming off. Maybe I’m the idiot after all.

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