Monday 23 August 2010

Tra la la la la

A friend of mine – knowing I like the weird and wonderful – enlightened me to a hysterical invention coming out of Japan. We’re not sure if it’s true, but I'm going to say it is, as that country is known for its progressive, and often flamboyant inventions. It’s called the 'Baby Mop.' And it’s all right there in the title folks. You stick your baby on a little mop pad when it’s at the crawling age, and voila, you’ve got yourself a floor cleaner. Might as well put these little things to work early. The way I figure it, if I can teach my son to look after himself and clean the house this early, I’m doing a great service for women everywhere. In fact, I'm creating an anomaly as far as I can figure.

Anyway, so this got me thinking about my own invention. It’s out of the box, I assure you, but ripe with possibility. Fine, it perhaps sounds a bit sadistic, but it’s an efficient means to an end that would benefit many....okay, it would help mothers (and a few fathers that haven't run away mysteriously saying they have a work emergency), but isn’t that the best possible beneficiary? We’re like teachers, or nurses, so unheralded it just hurts.

So imagine if you will a screaming baby. The kind of piercing, incessant scream that goes on for hours and assaults your nervous system, your innards, and your very soul with such ferocity that you feel like you are going insane. (If you haven’t experienced this, consider yourself lucky. If you have, I’m truly feeling your pain). Not a nice sound, right? So, my invention would take care of this little noise detail. No it’s not a pillow over the child’s head, I’m not that sadistic. Instead it’s a small apparatus, a bit like a pacifier (‘dummy’ to the Brits) that you pop into their mouths. I’m thinking it should have some sort of strap on it that goes around the baby’s head it to keep it in there. Don’t worry, I’m not that cruel, it can come in fashionable colors.

So this little device acts as a sort of vocoder, if you will. I shall explain for you non-music types. In essence, the kid cries, and the device takes this piercing noise and puts it through a magical filter making the sound something altogether different. I haven’t decided yet what that should be. I’m thinking maybe the melodious song of birds, or the sultry sounds of Robin Thicke. Either would work for me. Then again, maybe one could choose their own from a variety of sounds, whatever it is to their liking. Whale cries, or waves washing upon a beach. However, I suggest if you’re going to listen to this sound for 3 hours straight you better like it. A LOT. Think of the relief during those long colic hours, instead of the wails of a baby, you get Robin’s latest hits powered by the lungs of your bouncing bundle of love! I can’t believe I’m this inspired on so little sleep.

You want to call me crazy, but you think its brilliant don’t you?
 [I have to confess, the King is a bit skeptical] 
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