THIS LITTLE PIGGY GOT BEHEADED

According to a new article, women in the U.S are heading to their plastic surgeon’s offices to have foot surgery so that they can fit into their high-end designer shoes without pain. I’m thinking the epicenter for this drive for bizarre and absurd perfection is somewhere around Beverly Hills. But perhaps I’m being too cynical. Although, something about this craze sweeping Duluth, Minnesota just doesn’t sit right. I’m sure in Duluth it’s about making one’s snow boots fit as comfortable as possible.

Apparently, there are several options for your hoofs to consider, one is called the Cinderella procedure, which makes your feet thinner. How they do this is beyond me, and frankly I do not want to know. Then there is one that shortens your toes. Yes, you heard me, they shorten your toes so that they will fit into the shoes better. And the last – utterly horrifying – procedure is called a foot-tuck fat pad augmentation. In short, they suck fat from your stomach (I’m thinking they should suck it from the person’s head!), and inject it into the balls of the feet. This supposedly provides more pain free cushion when you’re standing in heels all day.

I have a few suggestions of course for those contemplating these procedures. Firstly, wear flats. That’s for starters. They’re cute, you won’t run the risk of looking like a two dollar hooker, and you won’t run the risk of having your newly shorn toes bleed all over Sunset Blvd. Secondly, may I suggest a full frontal lobotomy? That way, you’ll be blissfully at peace, and you won’t even be able to find your feet, let alone put them in a pair of overpriced stilettos that you’ll never wear. And thirdly, and most importantly, seek psychological help! If you’re contemplating cutting off your toes – I shall repeat, CUTTING off your appendages, or altering your feet in any way so that you can wear a certain type of shoe, sister, you need help.

I’m all for enhancing or changing one’s appearance through natural methods: diet, exercise, the latest hydrating potions. Hell, I’ll even get on board with spanks and various smoke and mirror techniques that allow us to look a bit slimmer and more toned – in fact, where the hell did I put my spanks? I could use them right about now. But I’m thinking when one is contemplating sucking fat from their stomach and injecting it into their feet, they’ve lost sight of the overall goal of life. Then again, I hate heels (although I can admit they make a woman’s leg look damn good….well, some women’s legs), I find them tortuous, and I don’t care how much padding you inject into my feet, I’m never going to find them comfortable. 

Not to mention, how the hell do your feet look after all these procedures? I can barely get my man to rub my feet now - he hates feet - let alone if I put my toeless stump on his lap and said go to it sweetheart, rub away. That's just cruel.

[Oh, and Happy Birthday Dad x]