MORNING CAMPERS!

I love morning news shows. Or shall we just call them morning shows, as there is only about five minutes of news content in them. And as expected, I like them for the less than obvious reasons (come to think of it, I'm not sure what the obvious reasons are?). What amuses me to no end is how they manage to pile in a cornucopia of subjects that are all mostly frivolous and ridiculous with of course the jarring segue into the serious and newsworthy. They are of course defining what is newsworthy, not I, so that can be amusing in itself. 

The other morning for example they went from a segment where four individuals were having a friendly cook-off – whatever the hell that is - and then in mere seconds, they segued into a woman describing being gang raped after having ingested thirteen bottle of beers and two bottles of wine and then leaving with a guy she met at a club. Good god! Talk about subject whiplash that will prevent you from digesting your breakfast.

This whole clumsy segue is navigated of course by the ever trusty hosting duo – always one older and more serious or established, and the young tartlet they fired the old tartlet for (as she reached 40 and became an old hag by industry standards).  These hosts are of course the grating mix of uber peppy and unctuous earnestness. And they turn these two emotions – if you can call them that – on and off like an over eager spigot. Cooking time – PEPPY! Rape time – EARNEST! I’m thinking botox for morning show presenters is a big fat no no as their facial expressions are key to delivering these rapid fire switches in tone. It is also funny to watch them hold up their happy 'up with people' quotient for two to three hours. Some of them you can almost feel like their faces are going to crack off from smiling and preening so much.

Then of course there is the variety of subjects on these shows that can bring endless amusement. From the celebrity visits with enough unctuous sycophancy to make you need a shower – this morning they spent fifteen minutes exchanging their favorite fairy tales with an edgy pop singer; “you like Little Red Riding hood? Oh you have a dark streak you do, you naughty minx!” Seriously I may puke. To the ‘fashion’ segments that are recycled to the point of exhaustion – “how to dress for your body type, come on pear shape people let’s get excited;” to the community awareness issues – “are potholes ruining your tires and your life? Is your dentist’s office a viral hotbed? Are there potholes outside your dentist's office? Tune in this morning!”

Then of course there is the relationship between the hosts that is fun to study and pick apart – yes this is favorite past time of mine. Some of them you can just feel their mutual desire to pummel one another cause they’re so sick of each other’s voices. They exchange those looks like, ‘I can’t believe you just said that, you complete idiot.’ Of course they do this with a pasted on smile that could peel paint. Then there are the hosts that have that flirtation thing going on between them – that’s always interesting as I’m amazed they think we don’t pick this stuff up. And then of course the hosts that simply have outright disdain and apathy for one another, fueled of course by the egomaniacal older host who is pissed off because he/she has never excelled past this stupid morning show. I’m telling you, shows like this are a hotbed for a psychological study into human behavior.

Oh, sorry, I have to go! They’re about to discuss the revival and versatility of the jean shirt. Riveting stuff.

(Oh, and Ikea, I still think you s*ck).