Sunday 4 July 2010


Do you ever read or hear something and think to yourself – as you’re stifling a laugh – there are certain things we’re just not meant to do. And not only that, but as you’re digesting the material in question, you’re asking yourself, don’t people know this by now? I mean, how many red flags and blinking road signs does one need to know there are certain things in life that are going to end in total disaster (this mind you is a very long list). I’m sure at this point you’re mightily confused as to what I’m talking about so I shall explain.

Two headlines caught my eye yesterday. One read “man blows off arm with fireworks.” The other: "Shark bites fisherman trying to remove lure." I’ll let you sit with both of those for a moment. My first reaction to both the headlines, was seriously, are we still here? Is it me, or does reading the news sometimes smack of being trapped in the film Groundhog’s Day. Apparently we are still here, and people are still doing things that go against better judgement. In fact, this is what makes humans so damn amusing - and of course predictable.

Let’s take the first mental giant who blew off his arm by shooting a mortar through a three-foot metal tube (apparently sparklers were too tame for this guy, and the term mortar wasn't enough to put him off).  And before you call me callous, I am very sorry for the man’s loss, losing an arm in that manner would be horrific. But, do we not go through this every single solitary year on July 4th when some idiot buys illegal fireworks, and thinks they’re going to put on a fireworks display to rival the millennium. And then what happens, fingers, arms, toes, you name it get blown half way across some poor sod’s lawn when people are trying to digest their hot dogs. Happy 4th everyone! I hate to sound like an old granny, but they’ve made certain fireworks illegal for a reason, cause if not handled correctly, you’re bound to lose something, and it’s not your nationalistic pride.

As for the shark fisherman, I’m thinking that has to fall into the same category of 'did you really think this was going to go well?' Okay, it’s not illegal to fish, well, it is in some areas of course, but sticking your hands into a shark’s mouth unless it’s dead as a doornail and you’re doing it at the local supermarket – that would be one funky market, cause I know Tesco does not have whole sharks lying in the fish section – you’re asking for trouble. In fact, I am always in awe of any of these individuals that get close enough to animals deemed 'wild' to be within biting distance. I get it, it's the thrill of being near something so exotic and foreign and 'look everyone I have tamed the beast and now he's my friend!' Famous last words. People, I don't care if you put a bear in a dress and teach it to eat tea sandwiches, its natural inclination to eat your head is still in there somewhere. Whether they’re caught, tamed, drugged, what have you; wild animals are still biologically designed to behave like, well, wild ANIMALS! I’m not sure how simpler one can make it. If you catch a shark, and put your hand in its mouth, even with the best intentions on your part, Mr. Shark is pissed off and is going to take the opportunity to bite your hand off. And do you blame the poor thing?

And the kicker, once again, we see this kind of thing all the time in even more complicated of scenarios. Killer whales biting their trainers, circus lions taking off part of their owner’s bodies, pet chimpanzees finally saying enough is enough, and taking someone’s face off. It’s ugly, violent, and hideously unfortunate, and of course could all be avoided. I have an idea, let certain types of animals be in the wild, and don't lock them up in cages, or try to catch them, or put them in stupid human shows and make them jump through fiery rings, and go buy yourself a nice fluffy dog. 

I have to handle everything, don't I?

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