Monday 21 June 2010

Yo baby, my bowl or yours?

Melanie B (that’s Scary Spice to you music aficionados out there) – the epitome of class and eloquence as I’m sure most of you would concur – just told an interviewer in the States that she keeps in shape cause her and her husband are really perverted (her words not mine) and shag five times a day. My first thought was, seriously, do we need to know this? Or more importantly, who the heck is looking after the kids when they’re engaged in their twelve hour sex marathon?

Anyone that knows me will attest that I’m far from shy and not at ALL conservative, but what is with this new wave of celebrities telling us intimate details about their sex lives (and didn't they read my blog about being more dignified and alluring??! Come on people, get on board)!  First Megan Fox admitted she likes women as well as men, then Anna Paquin revealed she is bisexual, followed by Vanessa Carlton (singer from about eight years ago, I think it was?) this past weekend – fine, I’m all about people coming out and expressing that the so-called traditional route of sexuality is not for them.  Society needs a bit of a wake-up call when it comes to what is deemed ‘normal.’

But I can’t help laugh when these revelations start to spread like an infection and a whole host of ‘celebs’ that you haven’t heard from in eons suddenly start shouting that they too like women like it’s some lotto prize they just have to cash in on. “Yes yes, me too, I like women too, they’re oh so pretty! Especially, if that will help my career and make me look edgy.” Not that I’m the newly appointed sheriff of bisexuality or anything, but I think they should at least have to offer up proof and cannot be admitted to the bisexual club unless they’ve had one relationship of note with a woman. It only seems fair to the rest of the community.

Even Cameron Diaz just admitted to being attracted to women and liking animalistic sex, not mention someone who has and will gladly “travel for c*ck,” as she so eloquently put it. How delightful. Her Mommy must be so proud. Is this a side business of hers or a fall back plan if her next rom-com tanks? I’m always curious when stories like these come out on the eve of their next movie release – which by the way is really good and racy and gosh, you’ll really want to see it cause she has a scene with a hot woman and you may be able to peer into her complex sexual psyche. Lucky you.

And of course one can’t avoid the speeches of the celebs at awards shows that call out their husbands to be raging tigers that they get to sleep with every night – as Catherine Zeta Jones did with Michael Douglas recently. Seriously. He’s hitting 80 years old soon is he not? Can the man even find the bedroom without his bifocals? I can’t help but think that all these celebs are protesting just a little too much about their sexual prowess and in truth they’re about as animalistic as two overfed goldfish (have you seen what goes on when you stuff two goldfish in a bowl? That’s right, NADA).

I suppose we have finally hit the bottom of the barrel as to what is talked about in interviews – to be fair, if I’d been interviewed for my twentieth film by the 85th magazine, I might start hurling out pornographic stories just to quell the boredom. Then again, my mother would kill me and make sure I wore a muzzle to my next interview. Thank god for that.
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