Thursday, 13 May 2010

YOUR BAG, HOT STUFF


“Anti-gay rights activist arrested with male escort.” Ahhh, another news headline that provides endless moments of entertainment. I seriously don’t think I could script it any better, and once again real life provides the laugh out loud irony that fiction wishes it could rival. So this gem of a news story went down like this: there is a heavy hitter in the anti-gay community who is known for counseling gays ‘out’ of their homosexuality – seriously, they believe this. I was thinking that maybe they could counsel the woman out of me? No wait, I have one better, maybe they could turn me into a large multi-colored peacock. I’ve always liked their attitude and joie de ‘if you touch me I’ll bite your hand off.’

Sorry, I digress due to…well, it’s just so easy on this topic. So this man, George Rekers, a Baptist Minister – cause aren’t they always – is a god-loving Christian, who of course hates gays and all the rights they seek; cause remember, he’s a good Christian, and good Christians know just who to love, hate and discriminate against in piously appropriate amounts. I think the bible has a whole breakdown of who is worthy of them and who isn’t, so they tell me. 

So George, this paragon of virtue and love, traveled to Europe recently, and who was his companion on this lovely trip of the continent? Well, a male escort of course. I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in. And not just any male escort, but a male escort that advertises his ‘services’ on a website called rentboy.com. Oh George, you are a naughty little vixen. 
Our rentboy in question said he was contacted and subsequently hired to give Rekers daily sexual massages on his trip. Yes, you heard me. I guess the spa facilities at the hotels he was staying at were not enough to satiate our fine George Rekers. “Facials, body wraps and pedicures?? What kind of crap hotel is this, I need a man-on-man rub down.” But George was no idiot (the jury is not only out on that, they’ve decided a trip to Afghanistan is a far better idea); he also paid this fine gentleman 75 bucks to carry his bag. Hell, that’s why I bring my partner along when I travel. 

In his defense, (you don’t really believe me when I say that, do you?) Rekers claims he only hired the man cause he has back problems, and needed help with heavy items – yeah like lifting his right thigh over his rentboy’s head. And of course, he had NO idea that the man was inclined that way or aware of his spicy little website profile page. He is also of course profusely denying that anything inappropriate took place or that he is gay to the G-A-Y. “I’m not gay, how dare you! And if I was - even though I'm not - I’d zap it right out of me with my trusty anti-gay gun. We have a whole range on sale in the gift shop starting at $99.95."

He also went on to say that these little hiccups in controversy do not take away from the scientific data that his mighty organization (NARTH – National Association of Research and Therapy of Homosexuality) has of apparently cleansing all the deviants from this world. I have an idea, how about turning some of that cleansing on yourself George. There is a scientific study put to good use.

A tip for you George - actually I have so many I’m not sure where to start. Firstly, if memory serves the primary tenet of Christianity – which most of you know where I stand on this subject– says treat others as you would like to be treated, i.e. don’t be a discriminating, hypocritical asshole that spreads hate. We’re all on this planet just trying to get by, live our lives, find love and die in a peaceful manner. That goes for all of us: straight, gay, bi, transgender – you name it. Secondly, stay off the internet. Your surfing skills are just getting you into trouble. And thirdly and most importantly, if you think you can turn someone from gay to straight (including yourself Georgie!), or straight to gay, or black to white, I have a lot of stuff I’d like to sell you, including a bridge and some land in Kansas. I have a child on the way and if the boy’s appetite is anything like his father’s, I’m going to need a ton of money.

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