Wednesday 26 May 2010


Sometimes things are served up to smash out of the park in such a way that you just can’t resist doing so. Today let’s just say that Jesse James (of Monster Garage fame, and Sandra Bullock infamy) is my pitcher, and I am up at bat like A-Rod, ready to smack the sh*t out of the ball.

On Tuesday, JJ – let’s give him a nickname for simplicity sake shall we - gave an interview on Nightline and said he was abused as a child. This was in between tears and profuse mea culpas for his infidelities – and you know how I love public acts of contrition. Anyway, in short – due to his stay in rehab (it’s beginning to feel like paint by numbers isn't it? Cheat. Rehab. Interview. People magazine cover), he learned that abuse victims push away those whom they love and that are good to them, cause they are convinced they are going to leave them anyways. In short, ‘I’m not good enough, and even though I’ve married this amazing woman who professes her undying love for me, I’m going to treat her like crap and shag tattooed laden hookers, cause well I feel bad about myself.’ Well thank god he found a justifiable reason for his behavior. Phfffewww, that’s a load off. I suppose my first question out of many is did he always feel badly about himself? Or just when he got caught? Cause according to half the floozies he was shagging, he wasn’t feeling too badly when they were playing naked twister in his office.

Okay, so this in some people’s eyes is a slippery slope. I will give a ton of room to those that have been abused, physically or mentally. I can’t imagine anything worse than a childhood that has been ruined at another’s hand, and I’m sure it colors just about everything you do. THAT said, I do also think there comes a point where ones journey into adulthood means that it is time to accept culpability for one’s actions - no excuses, no pinning it on childhood traumas. And don't get me wrong, I think everyone gets a reprieve in their twenties to act like idiots, and work out their demons, that's more than fair, but then it's game on! There are plenty of very screwed up individuals with screwed up childhoods who hold themselves accountable for their own actions and realize they can only let their past dictate what they do for so long. In fact, there are even more people who use those experiences to not only find out who they are, but realize that actions have reactions – and they are not about to start inflicting this pain on others. I suppose you could say JJ is doing this now, but somehow I'm just not buying it.

The problem is, I think people like ol’ JJ are using the abuse excuse to do just that, excuse themselves – sorry but you lost my trust with your explicit sex texts (seriously people, PUT DOWN the phone!)  – when for many it is truly a horrendous cross to bear. I think for him it is a matter of convenience. “I screwed up. I got publicly nailed after of course humiliating another and now, well now I’m really sorry but it’s not actually my fault. It’s my Dad’s. That A-hole!” 

Could you imagine if everyone got to fall back on childhood issues and experiences to explain away their flaws and screw-ups? Actually, wait a minute, I think many people try to. “It wasn’t me that slept with that male prostitute, my neglectful father (and of course the devil) made me do it.” “I slept with your best friend cause I never felt love by my mom.” And the ironic part is, the ones who really stepped out of a sheer living hell are the ones who rarely sing about it. They just get on with it, and work on not letting the patterns repeat themselves. And for that, they get my utmost admiration. We all have baggage, I wholeheartedly accept this, but at some point that baggage has got to be left curbside or else no one would be held accountable for anything, our pasts would.

So JJ, a little word of advice: admit it, you weren’t feeling that bad when you were cheating on your wife. Cause if you were, the old conscience would’ve kicked in (if you had one) and you would’ve stopped doing it. You thought it was fun; two-dollar hookers are your thing and that’s okay. Own it, you’re the Vanilla Gorilla, and clearly you do not belong in the suburbs, so stop pretending that you do. 
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