Monday 3 May 2010


I have never understood when people insist on renewing their wedding vows. Okay, fine, I can make an exception for those who do it after they’ve been married 50 years. That’s a milestone, and in today’s times a serious feat. And in their defense, they’re probably having trouble remembering what the vows said anyway. [But then again, isn’t that why we created anniversaries? To celebrate, commemorate, remember that so-called blessed day?]

Over the weekend Mariah Carey squeezed herself into a large lace sausage casing and renewed her vows. She’s been married a year. A YEAR. I realize in the entertainment industry she is probably so impressed her and her toy boy even made it 12 months, but seriously? Are their mutual memories so bad that they need to hear the vows again just to make sure they heard them right?...“Oh, he said obey!….Wait a minute, I’m loaded, I don’t obey, I order. I command damn it! Can we scratch that last sentence cause me and the Mister want to make it to next year.” 

My other favorite impetus for celebs renewing their vows in the single digits of marriage is the old "there are rumors I’ve cheated – but let’s ignore them shall we – and now I’m feeling all romantic. Let’s solidify our union sweetheart!” Yeah, sure. Solidify THIS. 

For me, this is yet another way in which marriage has come to be treated like an amusement park ride. People get on all excited, bursting with anticipation. They spin around a few times, realize the first go round was the best, they get bored, want to get off and usually end up puking in a nearby trashcan. Okay, perhaps some last longer than a few rounds, and go back for more, but no one ever stays on that thing for life. And yet these are the exact people that tell you how wonderful marriage is, and how everyone should do it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are those that make marriage look like it is indeed wonderful. And moreover, they respect it. They actually do the work it entails and realize that what they signed up for is far from easy, but they signed on the dotted line and so be it. But sadly, statistics don’t lie, and these people are in the minority.

My other absolute favorite argument about marriage is how sanctified it is, and how we must protect it – especially from GASP, those same sex couples who want to marry too. [Gosh, they want equal rights?? How dare they]. So you’re telling me that us heterosexuals out there have treated marriage as some sacred thing? Divorce is at 60% and climbing. Cheating has become a national sport.  And half of people that marry don’t even do it in a church (they’re excited about the tax cuts, not God’s blessing, trust me on this!). Not to mention that one can get married by Elvis in some chapel with flashing lights and ACDC playing in the background while the bride and groom spit tobacco chew into an empty can of lager, and you’re telling me this is sacred?

The other thing I always find amusing are those that tell me how different it is once you do get married (and they always sound patronizing when they say it). Okay, let’s see if we can break this down. You’re legally bound to one another, but you can divorce. So it’s not so binding now is it? You made choices to ‘love and honor in sickness and health’…but most married couples I see throw honor out the window after a few years (some sooner) and men are utterly useless at caretaking when women get sick. And as far as I can tell, myself and my – lover, shall we call him – have cohabitated for years and are totally committed, signed paper or not. And yet, I still have to tell him to pick up his clothes off the floor, we bicker like an old married couple, and we fight over the TV remote. How different could marriage be? Plus, in crude terms, no piece of paper on the great wide earth is going to keep a couple together if one of the betrothed wants out. He's walking right out the sanctified door, trust me on this.

So, my message to those who are not yet able to enter this ‘holy’ union: Screw it. Us unmarried folk have it good. We may not get tax cuts, but we don’t have to obey anyone. Renew that!

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