IT'S IN THE STARS, DUDE

Astrology. I bet even me typing that simple word garnered a variety of reactions from those reading it. Some probably scoffed loudly emitting a few curse words after it (‘bunch of hippie trippy tosh!’ – I’m trying to be polite here); some probably remembered they hadn’t checked their horoscope in the morning paper – if there is anyone out there still reading print, please call me. We’re a dying breed – or online of course. And others are more indifferent; they find it ‘amusing,’ occasionally dip the toe in the water, but like reading the weather forecast, it’s enough to hear it’s going to rain, they don’t want to know the difference between frontal and convectional rain.

I think I fall into the third category. I’ve certainly read my fair share of horoscopes, perused a breakdown of my supposed character in books, even sat across from a few individuals who said they were able to read my charts. One woman, whom I suppose was more of a psychic (I’m being very generous here), was jacked up on espresso like a Columbian kingpin and doled out F bombs like candy. She would then make you an espresso, make you drink it, and then ‘read’ the coffee grounds. I of course - after sizing up the state of her nervous system - asked if I could have decaf. She looked at me as if I just peed on her carpet. Who knew caffeine was an important part of reading my future?

Here is where astrology starts to lose me. Everyone is born into a certain month and hence a certain sign. Of course it gets more complicated than that when the experts start throwing rising signs at you, moons, planets, star debris - you name it. All of this is supposed to illuminate you to who you are, what your character is like, and even better who you won’t get along with. The thing I am always tempted to remind them of, is that I am ME. I know what my character is like; I have to live with myself day in and day out with no vacation time. And trust me, I KNOW who I don’t like: rude, disagreeable, a-holes. Isn’t that universal?  “Oh,” they say as they gaze at you with their expert eyes, “you have a temper. That is so Scorpio.”...I thought you said I was supposed to be vengeful and jealous? Wait a minute, I’m not vengeful or jealous, that would take far too much time and energy. Can there be lazy Scorpios? Maybe I’m one of those?

Then of course the uber obsessed take it one step further and start living their lives by the damn charts – “Mercury is in retrograde, I can’t drive this week. I’m accident prone.” “Uranus is in the alley of Pluto having lunch with Venus. I have to switch to decaf.” “It’s a seven year return, I will receive opportunities wherever I look this week.” Um okay. If you say so.

Hey, I’m all for positive thinking, if you tell yourself it’s going to be a good week, then it probably will be – or you’ll be so determined to ignore the bad shit, you actually will. But it’s the negative thinking that drives me nuts. If I walked around thinking I was going to have accidents, or wreck cars cause my mercury was in the wrong place, I wouldn’t leave the house. And from what I’ve heard, some people actually don’t. And furthermore, if you tell a person they’re going to be accident prone, how much money do you want to bet they’re going to be dropping a few glasses on the kitchen floor. 

Hey, everyone wants to believe in something. I get it. It helps pass the time, comfort the soul, gives one’s rudder a direction. Maybe the problem is quite simple. I’m a cynic....wait a minute, I think that’s a trait of having a double moon in Pluto?