Monday 26 April 2010


I watched a clip the other day of Heidi Montag trying to eat a burger with her family (I admit it, the headline "Heidi struggles to eat burger" was just too hard to resist). While I will never get those minutes of my life back, it did end up with me howling with laughter at the sheer mortifying absurdity of what things have become. Her mother, bless her, was trying to tell her that she needs some counseling due to her ten thousand surgeries. I’m sure she was also contemplating getting her daughter fingerprinted as she is unrecognizable from whom she gave birth to. Heidi’s response to her mother, as she tried to gum her burger as a result of her very sore jaw, “Mom, you live in the mountains. I live where I live. I need to look like this.” Wow. Okay. So in the vortex of Los Angeles, the weak minded go through the welcome gates, hand them their brain and get one made of silicon apparently. I suppose in a way she’s right. Per capita, it is a city of some very altered looking individuals. The most ironic part of the clip, the moment she tries to get profound and explains to her mother that she'd never be happy on the inside if she wasn't happy with herself on the outside. Um. Honey. Flip that. Then we should talk.

The scary fact is, a portion of our population – male and female - is on its way to becoming a race of plasticized androids. I actually have visions of one day the earth being populated with women scampering around looking like wild animals (that Wildstein woman in NY scares the Beeeejeezus out of me!) and comic book characters. "Look it's the Joker. No, oops. That's Aunt Sally!"

I get it. Aging sucks. I think we’re all in agreement on that. Of course there are the pros of getting old (we become wiser, more comfortable with ourselves, blab la bla), but the cons are not easy to deal with. Things start to sag, fall, wrinkle, pucker, crease, crinkle, ache, creak….all in all, the process is not a kind one. So I understand people wanting to change things, make an adjustment here or there, upgrade their skincare line. My best friend and I swap feedback on night creams like we’re two scientists on a quest to find some mysterious cure. Well, I suppose we are; the natural way to look reasonably attractive as one hits those scary numbers. And I freely admit that I’ve done a few noninvasive things to fight off time. I'm not completely devoid of vanity. 

But when I start thinking of someone taking a knife to my face, or pouring battery acid on it so that a layer falls off, or injecting the mostly deadly bacteria on the planet into my face, I start to wonder if I’m living in a world gone mad. Well, we know the answer to that one. And is it just me, but the majority of these women who put strings in their face (some new facelift procedure apparently), and butt fat in their cheeks or get pulled so tight that their eyes can’t close, to me, they come out looking worse, NEVER better (there are one or two exceptions, but that is being generous).

What really alarms me is the new wave of teen obsession with plastic surgery. You're young, your body is swimming with natural collagen, enjoy it for f**sakes! It’s as if we’re breeding a culture of insecure, psychologically damaged individuals who from the age of 14 are already pining for larger breasts, botox and lips like Angelina Jolie. What happened to self-esteem? Inner beauty? Intellectualism? Who is parenting these individuals, alerting them to the fact that double DD breasts at 16 will do no more for their happiness than the two hundred dollar jeans they insist on wearing. And a more salient point, do they know what their chest will look like in 20 years? Listen up in science class kids, gravity is a bitch.

For now, I suggest putting down the knives and bacteria. Those of you addicted, I’ll be blunt since no one else will – you look like shiny, puffy freaks. No one is buying it. I suggest an ample dose of retouching on iphoto for all. It works like a charm, makes you feel good and has no downtime. 
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